I remember as a child, I was told that I was destined to be "someone strong and that whatever I put my mind to, I will excel in". It wasn't my parents who told me this about a Chinese fortune teller. Even though your parents always want to tell you that "you are good enough and will be somebody someday", I knew somewhere inside of me I have this inner strength to see things through. The fortune teller read my life before me and told me everything I needed to know. Certain things were probably withheld from me because she only spoke Cantonese and my dad was being the interpreter that day, but I guess some things are left unsaid because only you can determine your future and destiny.
For a long time I thought I wanted to help people, so I went to college for Human Services but what I quickly realized with this 311 gig is that I can't deal with people anymore. I mean imagine... If I can't even deal with caller's complaining about every little thing in the world, to their public assistance case being cut off and didn't know why... imagine dealing with this face to face everyday. I have my problems of my own, and at the end of the day I don't think I am going to solve someone's problems overnight. I am still at odds whether or not I want to continue my studies in that field being that I am already uneasy with over emotional people I deal with over the phone.
I took this job to temporarily help myself of course, but it is not a job of choice, like most people feel... but I know deep down inside that I have more talents that have yet to be exposed and explored. People have told me since I was a child that I should tackle the entertainment industry, and still today I don't know how to grasp that idea in my head because for me, my behavior is an everyday occurance, but if I have a natural gift I might as well capitalize on it... FINALLY ONCE AND FOR ALL!!
Coming to realization of all of this reminds me of an old friend of mine Jeremy, that I never met in person but that I kept in contact with for several years. We spoke on the phone every night, we talked about everything, including putting my MANY creative ideas into action. He lived in California and always dreamed of persuing his acting career here in NYC, and I always wanted to go to Cali to live my "new life" with no drama, new friends, new adventures, new possibilities. I used to always see him as this dreamy type with his heads in the clouds, always dreaming for something bigger. In some ways I envied him because I didn't have those same ideals like he did, I always stuck to what I know or what I felt comfortable with. I always feared of failure and putting my ideas out there because who would take a chance on me, is what I thought. Since then, I have lost contact with him, not sure why. I know he had a daughter and was working a shitty job just to maintain and was miserable with the mother of his child. The last I had heard of him was that he was making a small trip to either NC or SC, he wanted to meet me finally in the east coast at least half way. At the time I couldn't go because I was having a rough time with my ex roommate and was afraid to leave. I regret not going because I feel I have let him down again. Many times I would write him emails telling him how bad or unsatisfied I felt with the direction of my life. I know he always wanted to see me do better but I always gave him bad news, this may have hurt him but I hope not.
In the recent turn of events in my life with work, friends and so-called-friends... I have come to realize that I have been let my life lead this through this stagnant pattern. I seem to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Surround myself with people who continue to not contribute to my personal growth spiritually, emotionally, or creatively. Jeremy was probably one of the first people I have ever come across that saw my raw talents and saw my ideas going somewhere and actually pushed me on a daily basis to do something about it, I wished I had listened to him, I might have been somewhere right now instead of taking complaints for 7.5 hours/5 days of the week. I SHOULD BE THE ONE COMPLAINING!! I should be calling my own conscious and saying, "hey... what the fuck are you doing behind the phone, don't you think its about time that you stop complaining about these callers, your life, your debt, your friends and do something about it. Stop wasting tax payer's dollars and doing a shity job that is getting you nowhere but more headaches and procrastination. You should get up from that fucking phone, take off your headset, press goodbye on your nortel AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU HAVE DEALT WITH, LEAVE YOUR PAST AND LOOK FORWARD TO A TOMORROW WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE'S SHIT AND MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO EARN IT!!".
I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance of making myself grow out of this stagnant phase of my life, and this time I will take all chances if I have to because I owe it to myself and those around me that for so long have told me that I should be doing other things with my talents. I constantly ignored because I feared or didn't have the self esteem to see past my own insecurities. Now time is of the essence. I am 28 going to 29. I am healthier, wiser, braver, and I should be making some moves now, not because society says its suppose to be but because I want to. I want to pursue happiness and in order for me to get it, I have to create it on my own.
I have been juggling the idea of writing a book or memoir for quite sometime, I have more an less of an idea of what I want it to be about, the theme and title, etc... just haven't figured out where to begin. I have to begin writing now, but with so little time at work and at home, I wonder how fast can I get my ideas on paper. Its gonna be a dark comedy memoir, from what I can tell. I am pretty sure it will have some people laughing their heads off and some people feeling sorry for me. But in the end I just hope people will enjoy the book and gain inspiration or possibly reflect on their own lives and see that we all roam this earth with a story to tell.
I want to add on more to this blog but I think I should save my creative juices for the book I am going to write. But whenever I get creative, I think visually and associate certain objects or pictures to what I am trying to express or create before me. When thinking of my present life status, I think of the Major Arcana card from the tarot deck, The Wheel of Fortune card. In the tarot deck, the card represents: movement, change and evolution, but its primary meaning always seems to say that such changes will seem to come out of the blue, a stroke of good, unexpected fortune. Its the card that symbolizes karmic payback for all the good things that I have done in life. I feel that this card has come up and is in my subconscious and it is telling me loud and clear to take this leap now, to give it all that I got and don't be scared of the consequences because I may learn something about myself in the end and for those around me to reap the rewards of my fortune... but for only those who deserve it because they have helped me in the right path and encouraged me to seek more that what I have before me.
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