Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I have been ignoring my talents for too long... Time to start the new chapter of my life

I remember as a child, I was told that I was destined to be "someone strong and that whatever I put my mind to, I will excel in". It wasn't my parents who told me this about a Chinese fortune teller. Even though your parents always want to tell you that "you are good enough and will be somebody someday", I knew somewhere inside of me I have this inner strength to see things through. The fortune teller read my life before me and told me everything I needed to know. Certain things were probably withheld from me because she only spoke Cantonese and my dad was being the interpreter that day, but I guess some things are left unsaid because only you can determine your future and destiny.

For a long time I thought I wanted to help people, so I went to college for Human Services but what I quickly realized with this 311 gig is that I can't deal with people anymore. I mean imagine... If I can't even deal with caller's complaining about every little thing in the world, to their public assistance case being cut off and didn't know why... imagine dealing with this face to face everyday. I have my problems of my own, and at the end of the day I don't think I am going to solve someone's problems overnight. I am still at odds whether or not I want to continue my studies in that field being that I am already uneasy with over emotional people I deal with over the phone.

I took this job to temporarily help myself of course, but it is not a job of choice, like most people feel... but I know deep down inside that I have more talents that have yet to be exposed and explored. People have told me since I was a child that I should tackle the entertainment industry, and still today I don't know how to grasp that idea in my head because for me, my behavior is an everyday occurance, but if I have a natural gift I might as well capitalize on it... FINALLY ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

Coming to realization of all of this reminds me of an old friend of mine Jeremy, that I never met in person but that I kept in contact with for several years. We spoke on the phone every night, we talked about everything, including putting my MANY creative ideas into action. He lived in California and always dreamed of persuing his acting career here in NYC, and I always wanted to go to Cali to live my "new life" with no drama, new friends, new adventures, new possibilities. I used to always see him as this dreamy type with his heads in the clouds, always dreaming for something bigger. In some ways I envied him because I didn't have those same ideals like he did, I always stuck to what I know or what I felt comfortable with. I always feared of failure and putting my ideas out there because who would take a chance on me, is what I thought. Since then, I have lost contact with him, not sure why. I know he had a daughter and was working a shitty job just to maintain and was miserable with the mother of his child. The last I had heard of him was that he was making a small trip to either NC or SC, he wanted to meet me finally in the east coast at least half way. At the time I couldn't go because I was having a rough time with my ex roommate and was afraid to leave. I regret not going because I feel I have let him down again. Many times I would write him emails telling him how bad or unsatisfied I felt with the direction of my life. I know he always wanted to see me do better but I always gave him bad news, this may have hurt him but I hope not.

In the recent turn of events in my life with work, friends and so-called-friends... I have come to realize that I have been let my life lead this through this stagnant pattern. I seem to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Surround myself with people who continue to not contribute to my personal growth spiritually, emotionally, or creatively. Jeremy was probably one of the first people I have ever come across that saw my raw talents and saw my ideas going somewhere and actually pushed me on a daily basis to do something about it, I wished I had listened to him, I might have been somewhere right now instead of taking complaints for 7.5 hours/5 days of the week. I SHOULD BE THE ONE COMPLAINING!! I should be calling my own conscious and saying, "hey... what the fuck are you doing behind the phone, don't you think its about time that you stop complaining about these callers, your life, your debt, your friends and do something about it. Stop wasting tax payer's dollars and doing a shity job that is getting you nowhere but more headaches and procrastination. You should get up from that fucking phone, take off your headset, press goodbye on your nortel AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU HAVE DEALT WITH, LEAVE YOUR PAST AND LOOK FORWARD TO A TOMORROW WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE'S SHIT AND MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO EARN IT!!".

I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance of making myself grow out of this stagnant phase of my life, and this time I will take all chances if I have to because I owe it to myself and those around me that for so long have told me that I should be doing other things with my talents. I constantly ignored because I feared or didn't have the self esteem to see past my own insecurities. Now time is of the essence. I am 28 going to 29. I am healthier, wiser, braver, and I should be making some moves now, not because society says its suppose to be but because I want to. I want to pursue happiness and in order for me to get it, I have to create it on my own.

I have been juggling the idea of writing a book or memoir for quite sometime, I have more an less of an idea of what I want it to be about, the theme and title, etc... just haven't figured out where to begin. I have to begin writing now, but with so little time at work and at home, I wonder how fast can I get my ideas on paper. Its gonna be a dark comedy memoir, from what I can tell. I am pretty sure it will have some people laughing their heads off and some people feeling sorry for me. But in the end I just hope people will enjoy the book and gain inspiration or possibly reflect on their own lives and see that we all roam this earth with a story to tell.

I want to add on more to this blog but I think I should save my creative juices for the book I am going to write. But whenever I get creative, I think visually and associate certain objects or pictures to what I am trying to express or create before me. When thinking of my present life status, I think of the Major Arcana card from the tarot deck, The Wheel of Fortune card. In the tarot deck, the card represents: movement, change and evolution, but its primary meaning always seems to say that such changes will seem to come out of the blue, a stroke of good, unexpected fortune. Its the card that symbolizes karmic payback for all the good things that I have done in life. I feel that this card has come up and is in my subconscious and it is telling me loud and clear to take this leap now, to give it all that I got and don't be scared of the consequences because I may learn something about myself in the end and for those around me to reap the rewards of my fortune... but for only those who deserve it because they have helped me in the right path and encouraged me to seek more that what I have before me.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What is an Iris... an old blog but a new reflection....

OMG THIS BLOG IS SOO OLD!! I originally wrote this blog in a very blase manner. I didn't think much of it, but thats how i used to write my stuff anyways. I remember a time when I used to do at least about a blog every week or at least a few times a week, they would be lengthy and in detail of how i was feeling.

this one though intrigues me because i sent it to one of my old editors for the teen newspaper i used to write for. I sent it to him to let him know what I had been doing on myspace, not knowing how he was going to take it... and to my amazement i got an email back from him praising me how if made him feel, "inspired to go for a goal". this is when I knew I had a profound affect on people. At the time i felt like he was kinda pulling my leg and was trying to be nice, but action speaks louder than words because now he is one of the writers for the NY Daily Newspaper. I will never forget your kind words Barry, thanks so much for the feedback.

This blog was about me of course and how I see myself fitting into this world, this picture is actually what I wanted to have tattooed onto my body at one point, its an oil painting by one of my favorite artist Josephine Wall. I don't think I can endured the pain of getting this done now but I sure do love to stare at it when I see it each time... I see myself as the girl in the painting... lowering myself from the heavens and giving the messages to people of earth to guide and look over them.

This is from April 29, 2006:

Feels good to be me sometimes!

I was having a unique conversation with someone earlier today. It was during my last blog also. Funny how I can step aside myself and my hurt but yet be able to have a full on conversation. Not complaining I think its great! It shows me that I am strong and I can get myself out of any rut.

Well this person and I were talking about tattoos. I told them how much I wanted one but I felt that it just wouldn't fit right with me. They told me I should get a tattoo of an Iris (the flower) on my shoulder. First thing that came into mind was that old saying, "I wear my heart on my shoulder or sleeve". I began to think again and I said to this person, " you know... tee hee I always felt that tattoos are things that are put on the body to either express that person's ideals or beliefs, something that represents them - to also mark a certain emotion or period that the person went through in life, and if I were to do that, I would be covered head to toe!"

It's bad enough that I have such sensitive skin that I scar easily, those scars are constant reminders of my past. I don't let it hinder my spirits because I have grown to accept them for what they are and the stories they tell, no matter how funny or sad they were for me.

Then I began to think again,(NO SURPRISE THERE) I don't really need a tattoo to fully express myself. I mean I am not knocking people who have them because I admire tattooed individuals, lol... but I believe that my personality and who I am can only be expressed by the life span of the actual Iris flower.

Like the life of an Iris flower, I am born and blossom when the surrounding environment is just right - I need to take care of my precious petals, purify myself with water, and ground myself into the dirt so that I can observe my surroundings and learn life as humble as I can. At times I will wilt and lose sense of life, direction, and drive when I am mistreated or neglected... but when I am enlightened by the sun (my own revelations and thoughts/aspirations) I come out of the darkness and see the light ahead of me, and I become born again - I start to blossom again and my petals are more colorful than before. As the reborn flower, I begin to continue to live my life with great vigor and tenacity.

The shades and colors of the Irises also expresses the different sides to my personality. The blue Irises represent the calm, tranquil, shy, reflective, protective, purified individual I can be. The purple Irises represent the spiritual, intuitive, honest, enlightened person I am often at times. The red hues in an Iris, demonstrate the powerful presence I posses at times. While the soft pink shades show the compassionate, motherly, affectionate, loyal, feminine, caring, and loving individual that I am.

Iris was also the Greek rainbow goddess. She served as messenger to Zeus and would ride her multicolored rainbow from the sky onto the earth and give messages to the mortals on the earth. I feel like I have just done that!

Digging up old blogs that still ring true in my heart these days

I wrote this originally on June 11, 2006. Damn its funny how I am going through all my old blogs to find this one in particular, and all I am getting are the ones that make me reflect and think how gifted I am... How well I know myself and others around me, but I still haven't found what I've been looking for... Like that U2 song..:

June 11, 2006

As I sit here and drink my iced coffee down I realize one thing... that sometimes I cause my own suffering. I mean damn! I had a feeling that I did but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. BUT WAIT, HOLD ON! I didn't ask for all of it. No one wants to suffer and endure heartache. I just think that sometimes in life I am fearless and I put myself in situations where I know the worst could happen or are about to happen but I don't jump out of harms way so quickly. I like to see things to the end. See what I can learn from it and ultimately use what I have learned to my advantage.

Haven't we all in life wondered... Why am I sticking around in a messy situation? Am I a masochist?...

I often wondered at times if my friendly personality invites such bad things to come into my life. I am only friendly because that's the way I have always been... chipper and witty most of the time if not all the time. Even at times when I am sad or pissed because of something that has been done to me, I always try to be nice and compose myself in a good nature only because I really don't believe on treating people back the shitty way like what they do with me, I don't live by the saying "an eye for an eye". Why should I? I already believe in karma. Which also makes me wonder at times if all the bad things that I have done in the past have come back to me. I can honestly say that I am not proud of many things that I have done, and I might be ashamed at times but at least I can admit to it that I fucked up. I was young and was learning just like anyone else in life.

Growing up, I always felt like I was the odd child... and I know for a fact that I never followed my sister's footsteps... Thank god. Not to say they are total fuck ups but I have seen what they put themselves through and I am glad that I wasn't that baby sister that wanted to be like the oldest sister. I knew I was different. I'm still different in every way. Which kinda makes my family uneasy with me because I can be so unpredictable at times. I might seem mysterious to them or any other person but trust me... its not something I do on purpose. I don't pride myself on being an enigmatic person. If anything I want the world to understand me more so that I don't feel so out of place and lonely with my thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

One thing that I have been told to by my mother was that I wasn't suppose to be born. My mother wanted to get her tubes tide after she had my sister but the midwife urged her not to because she thought my mother would change her mind later in life and would want to have more kids. So she didn't do it... and here I am. She also told me that both her and my father so desperately wanted a boy since there were already 2 girls in the household. They prayed for one actually. Well... look who's here, its A GIRL! What's funny is that as a child I didn't really feel like a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. I felt like I wasn't anything. I wasn't even Iris. I felt more adopted if anything like I didn't belong. I couldn't relate to anyone in my house, so I thought until time went by and I realize that sometimes I am like my father.

I was always closest to my father. I never really knew why, but we had a special connection. He was the strong but silent type, never really talk unless he needed to say something important. I remember the times we used to hang around each other, we hardly ever exchanged words but it was more of a telepathic connection we had. We would just often look at each other and just with our body languages we knew what message we were trying to get across with each other. He easily read my mind, and I did the same with his. We both reacted to problems the same way. For the most part, we remain quiet but when we had our outbursts it would be catastrophic. If my father was a gay man, he would've been the fiercest mother fucker out there's no question about it. He read me a couple times to a point where I was speechless. That's just the way he was. He kinda gave us girls some tough loving, literally. I also remember that he reacted the same way I did when there was a huge problem. We both sit and think for hrs or even days trying to figure out how to get out of or solve a fucked up situation.

He especially was a little tougher with me. I guess he felt that I could handle it, which I did but, was it necessary?

When I went through my juvenile delinquent years, he was often the one to stand on my side regardless if my mom and my sisters felt that I should be sent away. BITCHES! He was always forgiving and tried to sit me down and talk some sense into me whenever I fucked up. I didn't appreciate then, but now I do. He understood me even at my up most demonic days only because he knew what I was going through. He was the same way when he was my age. I know he felt a sense of guilt for my behavior because he raised me to be tough. He disliked nagging and complaining of any sort, but yet at times I thought he was the most bitchy and moodiest of people that I knew of.

I'm slowly seeing myself become him little by little. Which frightens me in one way because I don't think I could handle being like my father, but also in the same sense it excites me because the power he had was beyond him. People looked at him with authority but he never abused it. And as old fashioned as he was, it surprised me when he was very accepting of my gay friends. I always thought he was a homophobe but one day I had my tranny friend help him out on his disability application, and I remember asking him, " did you find my friend weird?"... which he said, "no, not really. Just as long as they treat me like a human being, then I will do the same with them". That's what I always believed in, thank god we related on that same level.

We both seemed very cold on the outside at times, but deep down we're very sensitive and deep individuals. He wasn't affectionate for the most part with anyone but for some reason he was very loving towards me. I guess I was able to knock down that wall he had in such a way that his sensitive side would only present itself when I was with him or around him. What he didn't know is that he had the same affect on me. I would say that honestly out of all my family members, I was the one who understood him the most, and visa versa. I feel bad when I think about it sometimes when he used to embrace me and I couldn't show that love back because I felt like a boy in a way that I couldn't hug him back. It just made me feel really awkward. He always told me that " you're the only woman that I could ever love in this world". It's funny because deep down inside, I felt that he was the only man I could ever love (even though at times he was really fucked up with me or my family), I wish I could've told him that before he left this world. He always told me, " you're destined to become something greater than what I will ever be". After he passed is when I realized what he meant by that. One day I was just the youngest and the weirdest of the household, now I'm regarded as the strongest and the one to be looked up to when things fall apart. It's a sense of duty I think that was passed down to me. I always had it in me but it just took something that tragic for me to own it and take charge. More later, right now I'm getting emotional.

hhhhmm old blogs seem to reflect what I feel at this moment...

I originally posted this blog on MySpace way back when... YEAH MYSPACE, REMEMBER THAT?? Funny how certain things don't change. I still feel like the crying clown, always here to make people laugh and happy, when i am suffering my own hell inside. I was trying to find an older blog that had inspired my old newspaper editor to take a new career goal... but i found this one, it spoke to me as well. I feel connected again with what i said here can't help but to share it with those who feel at times unappreciated and most of all neglected:

July 11, 2006

The 2 forces within me are fighting. They always were but now the battle is coming forth and at full speed. These forces are merely what I used to be, and who I consider myself to be today. In the past, I was the type of person that didnt give a fuck who I hurt or offend. I was a criminal and a huge bitch, and broke many hearts of those who loved and cared for me. Today, I see myself as this selfless person who would do anything to comfort those who need it most. I felt such great power with the person I was back then, but I feel even greater for the person I am today.

I feel like a whore today not in a sexual sense, but more of a spiritual/emotional sense. I constantly find myself giving BJs (boundless joy) to everyone I meet. Thats a natural gift that Ive had since as far as I can remember. Its natural to me. In fact I do this often without even noticing. This is who I am.

Although at times, when I get hurt or when Im depressed, I shut out that sensitive side of me and become very dark and uncaring almost up to a point that I dont care who I hurt. I wouldnt even care how they were or if they were in a good state of mind. Thats when I start to become my old self again. A part of me wouldnt mind becoming my old self again only because I didnt really feel pain and suffering from those who would cause me it, whether they know it or not I would just move on with life without a care. Leading the very negative cynical life where I was indifferent about everything.

The person I am today is a far cry of who I used to be. Now I feel like Im the most selfless and compassionate person you can meet. I dont necessarily say it out loud but it lives in my mind all the time. Well I guess now Im saying it now loud and clear lol. I take much pride in what I have become today. I had to go through the worst of times, much of forgiving and growing up had to be done, but Im here nethertheless. At times I feel like the person I have become has made me weak. I am susceptible to harm from those that do not share the same compassion I do, or from those who wouldnt be as considerate with me as I am with them. Then the question is should I share myself or devote myself completely to those who wouldnt do the same for me. Sometimes I feel like I can help those who are down but only when they want to be helped.

When I wake up in the morning, I always wonder what challenge I will come across. What I also wish and hope for everyday when I wake up is for the world to cure itself from the worst diseases known to men. From AIDS, cancer, depression, MS, procrastination (lol), diabetes, etc I see children that are born with rare diseases and people born into poverty, and I just want to reach out and help them out. Life is never fair. The poor get poorer and the rich become richer I can honestly say that I would sell my soul and give up my own life to find a cure for all of the people of the world or to find a solution to this ongoing problem in society. I watch the news sometimes, or even listen to whats happening in my friends life, I hear all the heartache theyre going through and I wish I could just get rid of it all at the snap of my fingers. I dont like to see anyone in pain or suffering, thats not what it should be about. Life should be about living it and living it without boundaries. To reach the ultimate joy everyday as much as possible, to take chances without living your life in fear.

I want everyone to feel reborn again and to take life with a new sense of understanding. To open their eyes to the bad and the good that's out there so that they can make decisions clearly and straight forward without sweeping anything under the rug or putting things off. To make everyone person in this world know who they are and what they're worth, To make self denial into something of the past.

For myself, I would want to share my happiness with everyone I come across. To put a smile on random faces and be a thought in those peoples mind because I made them feel better about themselves for at least a moment in this crazy world. Aye... I ask for so much and want to do so much. Im human and I have my limits but for now Im just trying my best, Im trying to be the best person for myself, so thats a start.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

to be continued... thinking about it only time will tell

but here are 3 quotes to tickle your fancy in the meantime

Hypocrisy and distortion are passing currents under the name of religion

Mahatma Gandhi quotes

“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”

Don Marquis quotes

Sunday, September 5, 2010

opening position for true friends... FLAKERS: NO NEED TO APPLY

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

Lately, I have been feeling inspired by strong powerful women that once lived or who are still living to this day. I been looking closely at what they have said or done in life to leave their stamp in time. For some weird reason, Marilyn Monroe's quote rings so true in my heart. She wasn't a scholar nor a noble peace prize winner, but she was a human being, just like me and everyone else with problems with addiction... vulnerable in every sense but yet strong enough to see her faults. She was so reflective on life and love, that its so hard not to take notice. This was a woman with brains and intellect. She knew herself pretty well. Unfortunately people were so focused on the exterior beauty and her public persona, that they forgot in the end that she was living in her own private self destructive hell. Maybe if she was surrounded by a supportive unit back then, she wouldn't have met her death at the height of her prime.

I look to her as an inspiration, I use her very quote to start this off because lately or should I say for many years, I have felt/feel that there are certain people that I am surrounded by that haven't been supportive at all or not enough for me to even consider them as TRUE FRIENDS. Maybe the whole sobriety thing is finally lifting up this huge cloud that has blocked the way I see things, but I am glad it has been cleared and I can see people for their true colors. Not being able to smoke or not wanting to smoke, (after all I am quitting out of choice, not because I can't) has made me look back at life and realize that I have swallowed and endured a lot of unnecessary crap that I shouldn't have allowed myself to go through. I can see people for who they truly really are and what their true intentions are. One particular friend I have known for so many years, and it makes me angry just to think how much time I have wasted on them. Sure we had our fun but whenever it came down to serious things or any of my problems, I was given the cold shoulder or they wouldn't give me any feedback at all... they would just sit there in silence let me rant on the phone, nothing positive to say or even show that they were at least concerned about me and my well being. I would take notice that every time I would talk to this person on the phone, that they would give me this silent treatment on purpose because they thought that it would probably be the only way to get me off the phone, (since I don't really feel comfortable with awkward silences) or maybe they were just so self centered that they just didn't care enough to even add or consul me for whatever I was going through... NOTHING, NOT ONE WORD WOULD COME OUT OF THEIR MOUTH. The only time I would hear from the other end of the line (making me feel like I was talking to myself or they were dead on the other end) is when they would bring up other BS that was completely irrelevant to what I was talking about or that I could careless about. Things that weren't going to help me out or give me some relief or comfort... but the moment where I got tired of the awkward silences and I will tell them that I had to get off the phone... that is when they would finally open up their mouth, and just by hearing the tone of their voice saying, "oh ok see you", in such a way, as to say, thank god this conversation has ended I don't have to hear anymore, makes me think... what is the purpose of our friendship??... did we even have one to begin with??... and why have I waited so long to finally do something about it??

What sucks even more is that this is nothing new to me. I have noticed for several years now, way before the whole addiction thing even started, that they treated me like this and even worst... they lied to me to get what they wanted in the past... only because they thought I was being a "cock block". Sure I forgave them, but I never forgot, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME. But since this whole entire clarification has overcome me since I stopped smoking, I am starting to analyze everything, not just with them, but with everyone that is part of my inner circle. I am starting to look at everyone and see them for who they truly are in these dark moments of my life, not just for now, but also in the past. I ask myself... did they really reach out to me and why am I still wasting time and energy on them when I can easily find someone who can be a true friend and reciprocate. Because obviously that's the foundation of what friendships, or any relationship are made of. Its not a one-way street but for some people they are. Unfortunately whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, I will lead them to make that realization on their own.

The breaking point for me was this week. I haven't talked to this person for almost a while now (about a few months so its not like I was bombarding them with crap all the time) and I decided that it was time to catch up and to let them know what was currently happening in my life, with sobriety etc or to even just talk... and just as usual, they gave me the silent treatment until they wanted to bring up things that were completely irrelevant to what I had brought to the table... talking about the next upcoming events at the club or started to talk about materialistic things...besides the fact that they made it clear to me that they wanted to go out for dinner but at someone else's expense because they didn't want to pay for it on their own (mind you, using someone who is already mentally and physically ill for life). As all of this was going on, I was thinking to myself... wow this has got to stop. The madness ends right here! Why am I even friends with you?? I have been through hell and back and all you can think about is yourself and what you can get out of from other people. This is clearly a person I cannot or anyone can trust. The conversation got quiet again, which led me to think even more that in order for me to do better in life and to grow as a person (both emotionally and spiritually), I have to surround myself with people that are really trying to do BETTER FOR THEMSELVES OR SOMETHING GOOD, instead of riding someone else's coat tails or using them for what they can give you. I have to surround myself around people who I can trust and rely on, who will support me even at my best and worst. That won't just be there for a cute "ki ki". So to put my mind at ease, besides the fact that I got tired of the dead air AGAIN, I said I had to go... and with no surprise they said, "oh ok bye" in the most delightful tone...AGAIN. But you know, I kick myself in the ass for this, not just with them, but with everyone because I always given the other person the benefit of the doubt. Before I even decided to call them, I was talking to them briefly on the internet, and since I figured that typing and talking through here was pointless since we can just chat for a while on the phone briefly, I asked them if we should talk on the phone they said, "oh ok I guess".... WTF!! Not even a "sure", or "go right ahead" or "OK call me then"... no it was an unsure and uninvited way of saying yes, and AGAIN I GAVE THIS PERSON THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. I was trying to convince myself even before picking up the phone... maybe it just comes off the wrong way especially through cyberspace because you cannot tell if the person is going through an emotion of excitement or reluctance, but I went along with it and called them. Within the first couple of minutes I was already feeling weird, and I was telling myself maybe they are just quiet because their conversations can be heard, etc... but like I said, since the cloud as been lifted from my judgment I have come to realize that this person hasn't changed or grown up at all. This is the same treatment that I have dealt with for many years from them and I have procrastinated so much on letting them go, and I've allowed myself to let them make me feel this way, unimportant. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I don't not have the time nor patience to deal with such selfishness and immaturity. I will not further allow myself to be surrounded by people who are "toxic" to my well being.

THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE, DO NOT BE MISTAKEN, I AM NOT SINGLING ANYONE OUT, EVERY FLAKY PERSON I KNOW IS IN DANGER... THERE IS GOING TO BE A FILTER NOW SET FOR THOSE I WILL COME ACROSS OR WHO HAVE KNOWN ME. I am 28 now, I am tired of the BS with superficial friends who can only be there when you can provide them a good time, which I have done for so many years, and some chose to only socialize with me when I am in my "good crazy silly moods". If I cannot come to you about serious matters or if I need that loving support that I feel I am suppose to get in return,(only because its what I would expect if I have treated you so well) that bridge will be burned, trust me when I say this. Only you will suffer from the consequences because you will never find a friend like me. I can be a very deep emotional person, very loyal to a true friend, but once I see that my kindness is being taken advantage of, and you can only meet me halfway on certain things, then I will forced to look at you in a different way. I am fully awake and can see past the falseness that people can present. So to just let people know what I am filtering out for, or what I will want or need from a REAL FRIEND, I have made a list of things that will make my life better, not just for myself but for those who apply as flaky in my eyes so that they can know they don't have to be 2 faced with me anymore and to stop with the horrible acting job.


-Listen to you and always give feedback
-Are there for you in your highs and lows
-Won't lie to get what they want
-Be supportive in whatever you do
-Not laugh or show disinterest when there are things that I want to express that concern me.
-Won't make light of a serious situation or make a joke of it to make me feel better.
-Won't intentionally say or do things to stress me out.
-Will not brush off matters easily, but rather solve them together.
-Will not provoke me to get angry or upset when they know it will, just for kicks.

Yes, maybe I have been flaky myself when I was younger with someone that was close to me at one point, but if I could turn back the hands of time and would've remained friends with this one person, instead of hanging around with the one that has prompted me to write this blog... who knows maybe I would've grown as a person or would've been better off today. There was nothing wrong with this person, but my fellow peer saw all his faults(instead of his positive attributes), when they really weren't that bad after all, and now that I think of it, this flakiness somehow influenced me to see only the negative in him... and as a matter of fact, I at one point admired this one guy because after I burned that bridge with him, after all I had put him through, he found GOD and himself, he at least was making an attempt to talk to me again and to forgive me for what I have done to him. He was able to finish school and do other things. That already makes him a better person, better than I was back then at least. But I have learned from my mistakes and have matured enough to say, I have had my fun with fire, now its time to help those who need and DESERVE IT, to treat those as I want to be treated with respect and consideration. I would only hope that those who will fall under the FLAKER category, will not treat their current friends or future friends the way that they have treated me because they will only stay in their own misery and negative cycle that they have self produced and feed off of. I wish the best to those I have offended, its just time for me to just walk away from a problem or situation that I can avoid, and to be around people that really care. I wish well to all who I have come across or will come across, both present and future.

Friday, August 27, 2010

grabbing life by the cojones, as I take this leap...

This HAS TO BE, the most long awaited blog that I have been yearning for... for months I should say to write and express... to fully expose myself and my faults. I am sorry for the departure from facebook, myspace, cellphone and all the things that kept me in contact with the outside world. I know I have missed a lot of people, and I a lot of people have missed me. I am sorry to those I have hurt. I didn't mean it, I am sorry. I lost who I was, but I know who I am and who I can be if I do good for myself. I lost my way so much to the point that i don't remember whats it like to be "well put together", in a sense. I have hurt those who cared for me when I didn't want them around me, because I have been stubborn with listening to authority or could careless what they thought about me because in my eyes, I was always right and they were wrong. those people who truly cherished me for who I was and always will be, have seen me struggle and have been there for me regardless if i wanted their help or not... I look back at it all and thank ... whatever is out there, for what I have realized and accepted about myself.

For many years I was always told that in order for change to occur, it has to come from you first. In order for me to do this I have to be able to stop myself and look at my life reflectively, in its most raw and blunt form, think about everything that has happened to me, what I have been through or should I say.. what I put myself through and how it happened... when I think back, I realized that it was a huge error of my own. I refused to listen to the people who were trying to steer and guide me through the proper path. I chose to play with fire... and still to this day like to every once in a while, because this is all I know and used to. As far as I can remember, I have had problems with controlling my anxiety and emotions, which have led me down a long road of my own misery that last about I would say... 16 years now. I am 28 now, and feel like I have wasted so much of my time and talents because of my own insecurities and lack of ambition.

We often blame the misfortunes in our lives to something, to pin it down to something that can validate why we are, the way we are.... aah haaa, I GOT IT EUREKA!!.... it makes us feel good or secure that things are not totally our doings and that something has pushed you to that limit. I am not saying that all the problems i have had are due to how i was raised, etc, because they are a lot of people in this world that have come from the worst homes and upbringings and are now successful people, i hope to become more than what I am today. Not to be put in the spotlight for getting myself from tight situations, I don't need the fame or recognition, that's not what I am here for in this world. I am here to comfort, understand, love, care, sympathize with the outside world because... yes, people need to know that life is just about helping those and inspiring to those people to make those changes in their lives on their own, when they are ready and willing to. I have had my own fair share of drama, trials and tribulations. However, I refuse to place all the blame on the past for my current or future mistakes.

These are things that most people don't know about me or my life, which at one point, i thought most people didn't care about because all they saw was this happy go lucky person, they didn't want to see me in those messed up moods or see me angry, they didn't want to see what was behind all closed doors because it would disappoint them, i know it would. People have left me in the cold sometimes because I wasn't funny or silly for that one freaking day, but i hope to one day become someone that people can relate to, let them know I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL. I am prone to problems and am not invisible, in any way. I have feelings and emotions that run deeper than anyone could possibly imagine, I just hid it very well, but not to a point where it didn't affect me physically and mentally through the years, of abusing my mind, body and soul.

When I was in HS,I was seeing shrinks (psychologists and psychiatrists), for supposed problems that I have/had with my emotions and anxiety. I remember self diagnosing myself from an early age, I was the perfect product back then, whenever i saw those anti depressant commercials on tv... I thought that Lil ball, with the rainy cloud hovering over it was me. But then again, I look back at that era and laugh because had i know life was just gonna get harder for me down the road, I would have never left HS, did the things I done, said the things I later regretted in life. So much valuable time I wasted, but that's what happens when you are young, you make stupid moves based on emotions, which still happens to everyone even past their rebellious teen years, they still make the same mistakes and will continue to do so if they don't stop and think of whats the real situation at hand, without looking at the bigger picture as a whole.

A dear friend of mine told me recently, "Iris, this is just the wake up call that you need, its time for you to make a change before it gets too late, this is your time to start fresh and start doing things for yourself". I noticed about myself and among other people, that it takes for you to hit rock bottom before you make that move. I don't want to hit that bottom, not just yet. I am trying to save myself now, and hopefully someone out there in this world that is going through the same problems as I am will feel compelled to do something.

I have been dealing with a long drug addiction. I was always the type that when I was in school or among my peers, I would always say no to drugs and never even thought i would get into things like that. I just didn't see what the big deal was. My own curiosity led me one day to finally try it because i wanted to see and feel what everyone was talking about. No one put the drug in my face, forced me, or influenced me to do it. I had several friends who used to do drugs in front of me, and it didn't phase me at all at that time, in fact i found it odd. I thought to myself, "damn I don't know how they can smoke that stuff, it smells". It only took one moment, of thought and I decided on my own, and one day I said "fuck it let me try it, no big deal". If I could turn back the hands of time, TRUST ME... I would take it all back. Never would I have thought this would ever happen to me. I gradually started to get more into it, because at that point I didn't feel addicted to it. I was a "functioning junkie", in my eyes. I went to school and work as usual. It started to get worst after my father passed, there was a void that I needed filled. My father passed away, with many questions that were never answered, life as I knew it was an enigma. One thing I will never forget, was one of the last conversations that i had with my dad on his hospital bed. I sorta became "the man" of the house from that moment on that day. I sat quietly at the corner of the bed, listening to his every word, because i didn't know when were going to be his final words... "Iris, you need to take care of your mother... your sisters have their lives of their own, and cannot be relied on, you are the only one that is left and that I have hope for to do something, help your mother and sisters when you can". It brought me great honor and prestige, that he saw the inner strength that I can hold, but I don't know if those words is what has caused me to bring myself to my current downfall. I took those words to the heart, and knew what had to be done, but was a ready for the task at hand. I didn't even finish school, and i was working a shitty job... not to mention that my addiction was coming to an all time literary high. When he finally passed I was relieved in the sense that he wasn't suffering anymore, but at the same time, I had a weight placed on my shoulders... now what to do with this?? I didn't have much time to mourn, and i didn't cry at all until a few months later i had a small mini nervous breakdown.

Before he passed I tried to do things as fast as I could to stay afloat, to try and support the family as he would've if he was still alive or in good health. I married someone for money, with that money I was planning on doing a couple of good things with it, which i did... I help my sister out when she needed the cash. But for the most part, I bullshitted with it. Started to spend like crazy, because who cares, I am getting paid just to be with someone else. I neglected the fact that i was living under my mother's roof for free, using all her resources, putting or seeing her go through stress. every time she was complaining about this bill being late, or rent not being paid, etc... I would quietly absorb it, and quietly go back into my own little world and get high, not even thinking that all the money i spent on drugs and materialistic things (which has lead me in thousands of dollars in debt), could've been put to some better use. I mean, this is after all the woman that gave me life, i should be helping her out as much as I can because I made a promise to my dad that I would, but at those moments when she would complain to me, all I heard was white noise and I would look at her and think to myself, so what do you want me to do about this?? The answer was clear, it was right before my very eyes and I could care less at that point because all I could think about is when was the next time I was gonna get high. I put parents through hell for so many years, and they still had the doors open for me, whenever my mother was threatening to throw me out and send me away somewhere, my father was always there to say, "she's just growing, its something she will get out of". Whether or not, my father was aware of my addiction at that time, I am glad to say that of all the misery he has caused our family, (he wasn't always the good dad)he never pushed me away, and always had the patience to talk to me when I needed to hear things, when I didn't want to. Perhaps because he saw a little bit of himself in me. He saw someone that was withdrawn from the world, and dealing with their own private hell, constantly thinking and analyzing things or being self destructive. He saw me for my true colors, and i saw him for his. We hardly talked verbally, but i remember in those moments where we would stare at each others eyes very briefly (before we both became uncomfortable), there were no words exchanged because we both knew that we had our own problems deep down inside, we sensed it. I never found the same rapport with anyone else, that I had with him.

Now that he is gone, its been 5 years now.. I know I have to make these moves now. Not only to complete the mission he gave me, but to look out for myself and well being. I have only this life to live, I do not want to lead a road of emptiness and despair all because I didn't do what I was told and suppose to do. This is my OWN self proclaimed EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. With this I hope to free myself, mind, body, soul and spirit of all that has brought me down and has kept me there for so many years. May I look back at these years in the future and laugh at it all. To hopefully influence people that its never too late for change and improvement. To never chose an addiction over family and friends. To be able to live with myself in harmony and honesty, to live my life finally as a whole. Its the way it should be. I have much to do and learn from, I'm only 28, but from what I have learned so far in life, I know things can only get worst if you allow it to. I hope to break these chains of bondage, and to be never tied to a situation that I couldn't get myself out of.

I am free... the path is there for me to run it... I am going to run freely... for once in my life, the beginning of my NEW LIFE.