Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I the clown...have brought people joy, but they always give me sorrow.

The heavily price for that exchange. To go out of your way to help others feel better is my biggest flaw. I have been self analyzing in the last couple of days or months rather... I am starting to see a pattern among the people I call friends or used to call friends, lol. I tend to go for those people who need mothered, to feel secure and safe but from what I have noticed is that even when I am generous in that way, it tend to goes unnoticed or unappreciated. In the end, I always feel so confused on what the hell just happened and why? I am weak in that sense that if I know someone needs help, I can offer, but people tend to take advantage of that gift and abuse it. A Close friend of mine that I've know for many years finally got to that point where I felt like I wasn't gaining anything positive from this person so I let them be. The last phone conversation started off arguing and it cooled down like nothing ever happened. All they kept saying to me was "my main concern about you Iris, is your health".... since then I haven't heard back from them, this last conversation happened before Thanksgiving 2011. After Thanksgiving I was in and out of hospitals and clinics, I was even hospitalized with a blood clot in my leg. Do you think that this person was passionate enough to call me or to at least live up to those words, so that he can prove me wrong and not allow me to think he was an asshole all this time. If my health was such a concern and not the argument, then I should hear back from you right? Through out the years hanging out with them, I finally reached an epiphany when my body was going through hell, in and out of hospitals... I realized that majority of the people that I have brought really close to my life, in the sense that I introduced them to my family, let them sleep over, fed them, catered, etc... they were the ones sucking the life out of me, worst than this fibroid that I have. The amount of people that I have come across with these leech/vampirish type of personalities is what has been bringing me down all the years. Its not that I look for it, but I guess my own insecurities that allow me to think that way, and to fear change or movement. I never expected anything back from them, but I did cry for help during the difficult times where I needed their help. My cries either fell on deaf ears or either they just didn't care or consider that I have my bad moments as well, and I will need your help as a friend as much you need me. Apparently, people don't think in those ideals all the time so they are just out there to help themselves. Sadly to say, in my almost 30 years of life, I have never met a man or come across one who truly cared or consider how I feel or think. I blame myself for allowing so much of them into my life, something gotta give... I always wonder what would happen to all those people... who have deceived me, betrayed, lied, used, and sacrificed me to save themselves... what would they do or say if I become the complete opposite of what I am. Would I finally get the respect or admiration that I wanted and deserved...

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