Thursday, December 16, 2010

hhhhmm old blogs seem to reflect what I feel at this moment...

I originally posted this blog on MySpace way back when... YEAH MYSPACE, REMEMBER THAT?? Funny how certain things don't change. I still feel like the crying clown, always here to make people laugh and happy, when i am suffering my own hell inside. I was trying to find an older blog that had inspired my old newspaper editor to take a new career goal... but i found this one, it spoke to me as well. I feel connected again with what i said here can't help but to share it with those who feel at times unappreciated and most of all neglected:

July 11, 2006

The 2 forces within me are fighting. They always were but now the battle is coming forth and at full speed. These forces are merely what I used to be, and who I consider myself to be today. In the past, I was the type of person that didnt give a fuck who I hurt or offend. I was a criminal and a huge bitch, and broke many hearts of those who loved and cared for me. Today, I see myself as this selfless person who would do anything to comfort those who need it most. I felt such great power with the person I was back then, but I feel even greater for the person I am today.

I feel like a whore today not in a sexual sense, but more of a spiritual/emotional sense. I constantly find myself giving BJs (boundless joy) to everyone I meet. Thats a natural gift that Ive had since as far as I can remember. Its natural to me. In fact I do this often without even noticing. This is who I am.

Although at times, when I get hurt or when Im depressed, I shut out that sensitive side of me and become very dark and uncaring almost up to a point that I dont care who I hurt. I wouldnt even care how they were or if they were in a good state of mind. Thats when I start to become my old self again. A part of me wouldnt mind becoming my old self again only because I didnt really feel pain and suffering from those who would cause me it, whether they know it or not I would just move on with life without a care. Leading the very negative cynical life where I was indifferent about everything.

The person I am today is a far cry of who I used to be. Now I feel like Im the most selfless and compassionate person you can meet. I dont necessarily say it out loud but it lives in my mind all the time. Well I guess now Im saying it now loud and clear lol. I take much pride in what I have become today. I had to go through the worst of times, much of forgiving and growing up had to be done, but Im here nethertheless. At times I feel like the person I have become has made me weak. I am susceptible to harm from those that do not share the same compassion I do, or from those who wouldnt be as considerate with me as I am with them. Then the question is should I share myself or devote myself completely to those who wouldnt do the same for me. Sometimes I feel like I can help those who are down but only when they want to be helped.

When I wake up in the morning, I always wonder what challenge I will come across. What I also wish and hope for everyday when I wake up is for the world to cure itself from the worst diseases known to men. From AIDS, cancer, depression, MS, procrastination (lol), diabetes, etc I see children that are born with rare diseases and people born into poverty, and I just want to reach out and help them out. Life is never fair. The poor get poorer and the rich become richer I can honestly say that I would sell my soul and give up my own life to find a cure for all of the people of the world or to find a solution to this ongoing problem in society. I watch the news sometimes, or even listen to whats happening in my friends life, I hear all the heartache theyre going through and I wish I could just get rid of it all at the snap of my fingers. I dont like to see anyone in pain or suffering, thats not what it should be about. Life should be about living it and living it without boundaries. To reach the ultimate joy everyday as much as possible, to take chances without living your life in fear.

I want everyone to feel reborn again and to take life with a new sense of understanding. To open their eyes to the bad and the good that's out there so that they can make decisions clearly and straight forward without sweeping anything under the rug or putting things off. To make everyone person in this world know who they are and what they're worth, To make self denial into something of the past.

For myself, I would want to share my happiness with everyone I come across. To put a smile on random faces and be a thought in those peoples mind because I made them feel better about themselves for at least a moment in this crazy world. Aye... I ask for so much and want to do so much. Im human and I have my limits but for now Im just trying my best, Im trying to be the best person for myself, so thats a start.

1 comment:

  1. Babe, you HAVE to be true to yourself. You are NOT gonna be happy until you do that. Once you do that others will do that for themselves as well. I've been reading the Secret. If you havent read that yet I HIGHLY suggest it. I learned I cant expect people to do what I want them to do. I have to do things I WANT to do. Go head on with my projects and obstacles with positivity and when it works absorb that great feeling. When it doesnt, move on as quickly as possible and remind yourself neither you are perfect nor is the world. Be happy with you. I know you have been feeling like you are screwing up or you are letting yourself down. You gotta recognize that you are gonna have moments of "oh that was a mistake". instead of saying to yorself "why did I do this or succumb to that" or "I am such a failure" say things t yourself like "Oops, ok lets fix this" and work harder. You can have faith in anything you want but you gotta have faith in you first. Don't let people walk all over you. Make sure they recognize that they are hurting you or making you feel bad. You dont even have to attack them. Just simply say something like "Im trying to better myself and I need to be respected, I dont think you are doing that right now" or something like that. You dont have to do anything that would instigate a conflict you avoid by just keeping quiet, if they are your friends or just acquaintances even they HAVE to respect your opinion whether they agree with it or not. If they dont then Im sorry but they are not people you need to spend your energy on.

    You cant save the world. But when you save yourself first you will feel better about helping others and knowing that you made a change even if its a little one.

    Yeah as you can see, Ive been wanting to tell you that for a while lol.