Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I remember as a child, I was told that I was destined to be "someone strong and that whatever I put my mind to, I will excel in". It wasn't my parents who told me this about a Chinese fortune teller. Even though your parents always want to tell you that "you are good enough and will be somebody someday", I knew somewhere inside of me I have this inner strength to see things through. The fortune teller read my life before me and told me everything I needed to know. Certain things were probably withheld from me because she only spoke Cantonese and my dad was being the interpreter that day, but I guess some things are left unsaid because only you can determine your future and destiny.
For a long time I thought I wanted to help people, so I went to college for Human Services but what I quickly realized with this 311 gig is that I can't deal with people anymore. I mean imagine... If I can't even deal with caller's complaining about every little thing in the world, to their public assistance case being cut off and didn't know why... imagine dealing with this face to face everyday. I have my problems of my own, and at the end of the day I don't think I am going to solve someone's problems overnight. I am still at odds whether or not I want to continue my studies in that field being that I am already uneasy with over emotional people I deal with over the phone.
I took this job to temporarily help myself of course, but it is not a job of choice, like most people feel... but I know deep down inside that I have more talents that have yet to be exposed and explored. People have told me since I was a child that I should tackle the entertainment industry, and still today I don't know how to grasp that idea in my head because for me, my behavior is an everyday occurance, but if I have a natural gift I might as well capitalize on it... FINALLY ONCE AND FOR ALL!!
Coming to realization of all of this reminds me of an old friend of mine Jeremy, that I never met in person but that I kept in contact with for several years. We spoke on the phone every night, we talked about everything, including putting my MANY creative ideas into action. He lived in California and always dreamed of persuing his acting career here in NYC, and I always wanted to go to Cali to live my "new life" with no drama, new friends, new adventures, new possibilities. I used to always see him as this dreamy type with his heads in the clouds, always dreaming for something bigger. In some ways I envied him because I didn't have those same ideals like he did, I always stuck to what I know or what I felt comfortable with. I always feared of failure and putting my ideas out there because who would take a chance on me, is what I thought. Since then, I have lost contact with him, not sure why. I know he had a daughter and was working a shitty job just to maintain and was miserable with the mother of his child. The last I had heard of him was that he was making a small trip to either NC or SC, he wanted to meet me finally in the east coast at least half way. At the time I couldn't go because I was having a rough time with my ex roommate and was afraid to leave. I regret not going because I feel I have let him down again. Many times I would write him emails telling him how bad or unsatisfied I felt with the direction of my life. I know he always wanted to see me do better but I always gave him bad news, this may have hurt him but I hope not.
In the recent turn of events in my life with work, friends and so-called-friends... I have come to realize that I have been let my life lead this through this stagnant pattern. I seem to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Surround myself with people who continue to not contribute to my personal growth spiritually, emotionally, or creatively. Jeremy was probably one of the first people I have ever come across that saw my raw talents and saw my ideas going somewhere and actually pushed me on a daily basis to do something about it, I wished I had listened to him, I might have been somewhere right now instead of taking complaints for 7.5 hours/5 days of the week. I SHOULD BE THE ONE COMPLAINING!! I should be calling my own conscious and saying, "hey... what the fuck are you doing behind the phone, don't you think its about time that you stop complaining about these callers, your life, your debt, your friends and do something about it. Stop wasting tax payer's dollars and doing a shity job that is getting you nowhere but more headaches and procrastination. You should get up from that fucking phone, take off your headset, press goodbye on your nortel AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU HAVE DEALT WITH, LEAVE YOUR PAST AND LOOK FORWARD TO A TOMORROW WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE'S SHIT AND MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO EARN IT!!".
I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance of making myself grow out of this stagnant phase of my life, and this time I will take all chances if I have to because I owe it to myself and those around me that for so long have told me that I should be doing other things with my talents. I constantly ignored because I feared or didn't have the self esteem to see past my own insecurities. Now time is of the essence. I am 28 going to 29. I am healthier, wiser, braver, and I should be making some moves now, not because society says its suppose to be but because I want to. I want to pursue happiness and in order for me to get it, I have to create it on my own.
I have been juggling the idea of writing a book or memoir for quite sometime, I have more an less of an idea of what I want it to be about, the theme and title, etc... just haven't figured out where to begin. I have to begin writing now, but with so little time at work and at home, I wonder how fast can I get my ideas on paper. Its gonna be a dark comedy memoir, from what I can tell. I am pretty sure it will have some people laughing their heads off and some people feeling sorry for me. But in the end I just hope people will enjoy the book and gain inspiration or possibly reflect on their own lives and see that we all roam this earth with a story to tell.
I want to add on more to this blog but I think I should save my creative juices for the book I am going to write. But whenever I get creative, I think visually and associate certain objects or pictures to what I am trying to express or create before me. When thinking of my present life status, I think of the Major Arcana card from the tarot deck, The Wheel of Fortune card. In the tarot deck, the card represents: movement, change and evolution, but its primary meaning always seems to say that such changes will seem to come out of the blue, a stroke of good, unexpected fortune. Its the card that symbolizes karmic payback for all the good things that I have done in life. I feel that this card has come up and is in my subconscious and it is telling me loud and clear to take this leap now, to give it all that I got and don't be scared of the consequences because I may learn something about myself in the end and for those around me to reap the rewards of my fortune... but for only those who deserve it because they have helped me in the right path and encouraged me to seek more that what I have before me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
OMG THIS BLOG IS SOO OLD!! I originally wrote this blog in a very blase manner. I didn't think much of it, but thats how i used to write my stuff anyways. I remember a time when I used to do at least about a blog every week or at least a few times a week, they would be lengthy and in detail of how i was feeling.
this one though intrigues me because i sent it to one of my old editors for the teen newspaper i used to write for. I sent it to him to let him know what I had been doing on myspace, not knowing how he was going to take it... and to my amazement i got an email back from him praising me how if made him feel, "inspired to go for a goal". this is when I knew I had a profound affect on people. At the time i felt like he was kinda pulling my leg and was trying to be nice, but action speaks louder than words because now he is one of the writers for the NY Daily Newspaper. I will never forget your kind words Barry, thanks so much for the feedback.
This blog was about me of course and how I see myself fitting into this world, this picture is actually what I wanted to have tattooed onto my body at one point, its an oil painting by one of my favorite artist Josephine Wall. I don't think I can endured the pain of getting this done now but I sure do love to stare at it when I see it each time... I see myself as the girl in the painting... lowering myself from the heavens and giving the messages to people of earth to guide and look over them.
This is from April 29, 2006:
Feels good to be me sometimes!
I was having a unique conversation with someone earlier today. It was during my last blog also. Funny how I can step aside myself and my hurt but yet be able to have a full on conversation. Not complaining I think its great! It shows me that I am strong and I can get myself out of any rut.
Well this person and I were talking about tattoos. I told them how much I wanted one but I felt that it just wouldn't fit right with me. They told me I should get a tattoo of an Iris (the flower) on my shoulder. First thing that came into mind was that old saying, "I wear my heart on my shoulder or sleeve". I began to think again and I said to this person, " you know... tee hee I always felt that tattoos are things that are put on the body to either express that person's ideals or beliefs, something that represents them - to also mark a certain emotion or period that the person went through in life, and if I were to do that, I would be covered head to toe!"
It's bad enough that I have such sensitive skin that I scar easily, those scars are constant reminders of my past. I don't let it hinder my spirits because I have grown to accept them for what they are and the stories they tell, no matter how funny or sad they were for me.
Then I began to think again,(NO SURPRISE THERE) I don't really need a tattoo to fully express myself. I mean I am not knocking people who have them because I admire tattooed individuals, lol... but I believe that my personality and who I am can only be expressed by the life span of the actual Iris flower.
Like the life of an Iris flower, I am born and blossom when the surrounding environment is just right - I need to take care of my precious petals, purify myself with water, and ground myself into the dirt so that I can observe my surroundings and learn life as humble as I can. At times I will wilt and lose sense of life, direction, and drive when I am mistreated or neglected... but when I am enlightened by the sun (my own revelations and thoughts/aspirations) I come out of the darkness and see the light ahead of me, and I become born again - I start to blossom again and my petals are more colorful than before. As the reborn flower, I begin to continue to live my life with great vigor and tenacity.
The shades and colors of the Irises also expresses the different sides to my personality. The blue Irises represent the calm, tranquil, shy, reflective, protective, purified individual I can be. The purple Irises represent the spiritual, intuitive, honest, enlightened person I am often at times. The red hues in an Iris, demonstrate the powerful presence I posses at times. While the soft pink shades show the compassionate, motherly, affectionate, loyal, feminine, caring, and loving individual that I am.
Iris was also the Greek rainbow goddess. She served as messenger to Zeus and would ride her multicolored rainbow from the sky onto the earth and give messages to the mortals on the earth. I feel like I have just done that!
I wrote this originally on June 11, 2006. Damn its funny how I am going through all my old blogs to find this one in particular, and all I am getting are the ones that make me reflect and think how gifted I am... How well I know myself and others around me, but I still haven't found what I've been looking for... Like that U2 song..:
June 11, 2006
As I sit here and drink my iced coffee down I realize one thing... that sometimes I cause my own suffering. I mean damn! I had a feeling that I did but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. BUT WAIT, HOLD ON! I didn't ask for all of it. No one wants to suffer and endure heartache. I just think that sometimes in life I am fearless and I put myself in situations where I know the worst could happen or are about to happen but I don't jump out of harms way so quickly. I like to see things to the end. See what I can learn from it and ultimately use what I have learned to my advantage.
Haven't we all in life wondered... Why am I sticking around in a messy situation? Am I a masochist?...
I often wondered at times if my friendly personality invites such bad things to come into my life. I am only friendly because that's the way I have always been... chipper and witty most of the time if not all the time. Even at times when I am sad or pissed because of something that has been done to me, I always try to be nice and compose myself in a good nature only because I really don't believe on treating people back the shitty way like what they do with me, I don't live by the saying "an eye for an eye". Why should I? I already believe in karma. Which also makes me wonder at times if all the bad things that I have done in the past have come back to me. I can honestly say that I am not proud of many things that I have done, and I might be ashamed at times but at least I can admit to it that I fucked up. I was young and was learning just like anyone else in life.
Growing up, I always felt like I was the odd child... and I know for a fact that I never followed my sister's footsteps... Thank god. Not to say they are total fuck ups but I have seen what they put themselves through and I am glad that I wasn't that baby sister that wanted to be like the oldest sister. I knew I was different. I'm still different in every way. Which kinda makes my family uneasy with me because I can be so unpredictable at times. I might seem mysterious to them or any other person but trust me... its not something I do on purpose. I don't pride myself on being an enigmatic person. If anything I want the world to understand me more so that I don't feel so out of place and lonely with my thoughts, dreams and aspirations.
One thing that I have been told to by my mother was that I wasn't suppose to be born. My mother wanted to get her tubes tide after she had my sister but the midwife urged her not to because she thought my mother would change her mind later in life and would want to have more kids. So she didn't do it... and here I am. She also told me that both her and my father so desperately wanted a boy since there were already 2 girls in the household. They prayed for one actually. Well... look who's here, its A GIRL! What's funny is that as a child I didn't really feel like a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. I felt like I wasn't anything. I wasn't even Iris. I felt more adopted if anything like I didn't belong. I couldn't relate to anyone in my house, so I thought until time went by and I realize that sometimes I am like my father.
I was always closest to my father. I never really knew why, but we had a special connection. He was the strong but silent type, never really talk unless he needed to say something important. I remember the times we used to hang around each other, we hardly ever exchanged words but it was more of a telepathic connection we had. We would just often look at each other and just with our body languages we knew what message we were trying to get across with each other. He easily read my mind, and I did the same with his. We both reacted to problems the same way. For the most part, we remain quiet but when we had our outbursts it would be catastrophic. If my father was a gay man, he would've been the fiercest mother fucker out there's no question about it. He read me a couple times to a point where I was speechless. That's just the way he was. He kinda gave us girls some tough loving, literally. I also remember that he reacted the same way I did when there was a huge problem. We both sit and think for hrs or even days trying to figure out how to get out of or solve a fucked up situation.
He especially was a little tougher with me. I guess he felt that I could handle it, which I did but, was it necessary?
When I went through my juvenile delinquent years, he was often the one to stand on my side regardless if my mom and my sisters felt that I should be sent away. BITCHES! He was always forgiving and tried to sit me down and talk some sense into me whenever I fucked up. I didn't appreciate then, but now I do. He understood me even at my up most demonic days only because he knew what I was going through. He was the same way when he was my age. I know he felt a sense of guilt for my behavior because he raised me to be tough. He disliked nagging and complaining of any sort, but yet at times I thought he was the most bitchy and moodiest of people that I knew of.
I'm slowly seeing myself become him little by little. Which frightens me in one way because I don't think I could handle being like my father, but also in the same sense it excites me because the power he had was beyond him. People looked at him with authority but he never abused it. And as old fashioned as he was, it surprised me when he was very accepting of my gay friends. I always thought he was a homophobe but one day I had my tranny friend help him out on his disability application, and I remember asking him, " did you find my friend weird?"... which he said, "no, not really. Just as long as they treat me like a human being, then I will do the same with them". That's what I always believed in, thank god we related on that same level.
We both seemed very cold on the outside at times, but deep down we're very sensitive and deep individuals. He wasn't affectionate for the most part with anyone but for some reason he was very loving towards me. I guess I was able to knock down that wall he had in such a way that his sensitive side would only present itself when I was with him or around him. What he didn't know is that he had the same affect on me. I would say that honestly out of all my family members, I was the one who understood him the most, and visa versa. I feel bad when I think about it sometimes when he used to embrace me and I couldn't show that love back because I felt like a boy in a way that I couldn't hug him back. It just made me feel really awkward. He always told me that " you're the only woman that I could ever love in this world". It's funny because deep down inside, I felt that he was the only man I could ever love (even though at times he was really fucked up with me or my family), I wish I could've told him that before he left this world. He always told me, " you're destined to become something greater than what I will ever be". After he passed is when I realized what he meant by that. One day I was just the youngest and the weirdest of the household, now I'm regarded as the strongest and the one to be looked up to when things fall apart. It's a sense of duty I think that was passed down to me. I always had it in me but it just took something that tragic for me to own it and take charge. More later, right now I'm getting emotional.
I originally posted this blog on MySpace way back when... YEAH MYSPACE, REMEMBER THAT?? Funny how certain things don't change. I still feel like the crying clown, always here to make people laugh and happy, when i am suffering my own hell inside. I was trying to find an older blog that had inspired my old newspaper editor to take a new career goal... but i found this one, it spoke to me as well. I feel connected again with what i said here can't help but to share it with those who feel at times unappreciated and most of all neglected:
July 11, 2006
The 2 forces within me are fighting. They always were but now the battle is coming forth and at full speed. These forces are merely what I used to be, and who I consider myself to be today. In the past, I was the type of person that didnt give a fuck who I hurt or offend. I was a criminal and a huge bitch, and broke many hearts of those who loved and cared for me. Today, I see myself as this selfless person who would do anything to comfort those who need it most. I felt such great power with the person I was back then, but I feel even greater for the person I am today.
I feel like a whore today not in a sexual sense, but more of a spiritual/emotional sense. I constantly find myself giving BJs (boundless joy) to everyone I meet. Thats a natural gift that Ive had since as far as I can remember. Its natural to me. In fact I do this often without even noticing. This is who I am.
Although at times, when I get hurt or when Im depressed, I shut out that sensitive side of me and become very dark and uncaring almost up to a point that I dont care who I hurt. I wouldnt even care how they were or if they were in a good state of mind. Thats when I start to become my old self again. A part of me wouldnt mind becoming my old self again only because I didnt really feel pain and suffering from those who would cause me it, whether they know it or not I would just move on with life without a care. Leading the very negative cynical life where I was indifferent about everything.
The person I am today is a far cry of who I used to be. Now I feel like Im the most selfless and compassionate person you can meet. I dont necessarily say it out loud but it lives in my mind all the time. Well I guess now Im saying it now loud and clear lol. I take much pride in what I have become today. I had to go through the worst of times, much of forgiving and growing up had to be done, but Im here nethertheless. At times I feel like the person I have become has made me weak. I am susceptible to harm from those that do not share the same compassion I do, or from those who wouldnt be as considerate with me as I am with them. Then the question is should I share myself or devote myself completely to those who wouldnt do the same for me. Sometimes I feel like I can help those who are down but only when they want to be helped.
When I wake up in the morning, I always wonder what challenge I will come across. What I also wish and hope for everyday when I wake up is for the world to cure itself from the worst diseases known to men. From AIDS, cancer, depression, MS, procrastination (lol), diabetes, etc I see children that are born with rare diseases and people born into poverty, and I just want to reach out and help them out. Life is never fair. The poor get poorer and the rich become richer I can honestly say that I would sell my soul and give up my own life to find a cure for all of the people of the world or to find a solution to this ongoing problem in society. I watch the news sometimes, or even listen to whats happening in my friends life, I hear all the heartache theyre going through and I wish I could just get rid of it all at the snap of my fingers. I dont like to see anyone in pain or suffering, thats not what it should be about. Life should be about living it and living it without boundaries. To reach the ultimate joy everyday as much as possible, to take chances without living your life in fear.
I want everyone to feel reborn again and to take life with a new sense of understanding. To open their eyes to the bad and the good that's out there so that they can make decisions clearly and straight forward without sweeping anything under the rug or putting things off. To make everyone person in this world know who they are and what they're worth, To make self denial into something of the past.
For myself, I would want to share my happiness with everyone I come across. To put a smile on random faces and be a thought in those peoples mind because I made them feel better about themselves for at least a moment in this crazy world. Aye... I ask for so much and want to do so much. Im human and I have my limits but for now Im just trying my best, Im trying to be the best person for myself, so thats a start.