Sunday, September 5, 2010
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Lately, I have been feeling inspired by strong powerful women that once lived or who are still living to this day. I been looking closely at what they have said or done in life to leave their stamp in time. For some weird reason, Marilyn Monroe's quote rings so true in my heart. She wasn't a scholar nor a noble peace prize winner, but she was a human being, just like me and everyone else with problems with addiction... vulnerable in every sense but yet strong enough to see her faults. She was so reflective on life and love, that its so hard not to take notice. This was a woman with brains and intellect. She knew herself pretty well. Unfortunately people were so focused on the exterior beauty and her public persona, that they forgot in the end that she was living in her own private self destructive hell. Maybe if she was surrounded by a supportive unit back then, she wouldn't have met her death at the height of her prime.
I look to her as an inspiration, I use her very quote to start this off because lately or should I say for many years, I have felt/feel that there are certain people that I am surrounded by that haven't been supportive at all or not enough for me to even consider them as TRUE FRIENDS. Maybe the whole sobriety thing is finally lifting up this huge cloud that has blocked the way I see things, but I am glad it has been cleared and I can see people for their true colors. Not being able to smoke or not wanting to smoke, (after all I am quitting out of choice, not because I can't) has made me look back at life and realize that I have swallowed and endured a lot of unnecessary crap that I shouldn't have allowed myself to go through. I can see people for who they truly really are and what their true intentions are. One particular friend I have known for so many years, and it makes me angry just to think how much time I have wasted on them. Sure we had our fun but whenever it came down to serious things or any of my problems, I was given the cold shoulder or they wouldn't give me any feedback at all... they would just sit there in silence let me rant on the phone, nothing positive to say or even show that they were at least concerned about me and my well being. I would take notice that every time I would talk to this person on the phone, that they would give me this silent treatment on purpose because they thought that it would probably be the only way to get me off the phone, (since I don't really feel comfortable with awkward silences) or maybe they were just so self centered that they just didn't care enough to even add or consul me for whatever I was going through... NOTHING, NOT ONE WORD WOULD COME OUT OF THEIR MOUTH. The only time I would hear from the other end of the line (making me feel like I was talking to myself or they were dead on the other end) is when they would bring up other BS that was completely irrelevant to what I was talking about or that I could careless about. Things that weren't going to help me out or give me some relief or comfort... but the moment where I got tired of the awkward silences and I will tell them that I had to get off the phone... that is when they would finally open up their mouth, and just by hearing the tone of their voice saying, "oh ok see you", in such a way, as to say, thank god this conversation has ended I don't have to hear anymore, makes me think... what is the purpose of our friendship??... did we even have one to begin with??... and why have I waited so long to finally do something about it??
What sucks even more is that this is nothing new to me. I have noticed for several years now, way before the whole addiction thing even started, that they treated me like this and even worst... they lied to me to get what they wanted in the past... only because they thought I was being a "cock block". Sure I forgave them, but I never forgot, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME. But since this whole entire clarification has overcome me since I stopped smoking, I am starting to analyze everything, not just with them, but with everyone that is part of my inner circle. I am starting to look at everyone and see them for who they truly are in these dark moments of my life, not just for now, but also in the past. I ask myself... did they really reach out to me and why am I still wasting time and energy on them when I can easily find someone who can be a true friend and reciprocate. Because obviously that's the foundation of what friendships, or any relationship are made of. Its not a one-way street but for some people they are. Unfortunately whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, I will lead them to make that realization on their own.
The breaking point for me was this week. I haven't talked to this person for almost a while now (about a few months so its not like I was bombarding them with crap all the time) and I decided that it was time to catch up and to let them know what was currently happening in my life, with sobriety etc or to even just talk... and just as usual, they gave me the silent treatment until they wanted to bring up things that were completely irrelevant to what I had brought to the table... talking about the next upcoming events at the club or started to talk about materialistic things...besides the fact that they made it clear to me that they wanted to go out for dinner but at someone else's expense because they didn't want to pay for it on their own (mind you, using someone who is already mentally and physically ill for life). As all of this was going on, I was thinking to myself... wow this has got to stop. The madness ends right here! Why am I even friends with you?? I have been through hell and back and all you can think about is yourself and what you can get out of from other people. This is clearly a person I cannot or anyone can trust. The conversation got quiet again, which led me to think even more that in order for me to do better in life and to grow as a person (both emotionally and spiritually), I have to surround myself with people that are really trying to do BETTER FOR THEMSELVES OR SOMETHING GOOD, instead of riding someone else's coat tails or using them for what they can give you. I have to surround myself around people who I can trust and rely on, who will support me even at my best and worst. That won't just be there for a cute "ki ki". So to put my mind at ease, besides the fact that I got tired of the dead air AGAIN, I said I had to go... and with no surprise they said, "oh ok bye" in the most delightful tone...AGAIN. But you know, I kick myself in the ass for this, not just with them, but with everyone because I always given the other person the benefit of the doubt. Before I even decided to call them, I was talking to them briefly on the internet, and since I figured that typing and talking through here was pointless since we can just chat for a while on the phone briefly, I asked them if we should talk on the phone they said, "oh ok I guess".... WTF!! Not even a "sure", or "go right ahead" or "OK call me then"... no it was an unsure and uninvited way of saying yes, and AGAIN I GAVE THIS PERSON THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. I was trying to convince myself even before picking up the phone... maybe it just comes off the wrong way especially through cyberspace because you cannot tell if the person is going through an emotion of excitement or reluctance, but I went along with it and called them. Within the first couple of minutes I was already feeling weird, and I was telling myself maybe they are just quiet because their conversations can be heard, etc... but like I said, since the cloud as been lifted from my judgment I have come to realize that this person hasn't changed or grown up at all. This is the same treatment that I have dealt with for many years from them and I have procrastinated so much on letting them go, and I've allowed myself to let them make me feel this way, unimportant. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I don't not have the time nor patience to deal with such selfishness and immaturity. I will not further allow myself to be surrounded by people who are "toxic" to my well being.
THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE, DO NOT BE MISTAKEN, I AM NOT SINGLING ANYONE OUT, EVERY FLAKY PERSON I KNOW IS IN DANGER... THERE IS GOING TO BE A FILTER NOW SET FOR THOSE I WILL COME ACROSS OR WHO HAVE KNOWN ME. I am 28 now, I am tired of the BS with superficial friends who can only be there when you can provide them a good time, which I have done for so many years, and some chose to only socialize with me when I am in my "good crazy silly moods". If I cannot come to you about serious matters or if I need that loving support that I feel I am suppose to get in return,(only because its what I would expect if I have treated you so well) that bridge will be burned, trust me when I say this. Only you will suffer from the consequences because you will never find a friend like me. I can be a very deep emotional person, very loyal to a true friend, but once I see that my kindness is being taken advantage of, and you can only meet me halfway on certain things, then I will forced to look at you in a different way. I am fully awake and can see past the falseness that people can present. So to just let people know what I am filtering out for, or what I will want or need from a REAL FRIEND, I have made a list of things that will make my life better, not just for myself but for those who apply as flaky in my eyes so that they can know they don't have to be 2 faced with me anymore and to stop with the horrible acting job.
TRUE FRIENDS DO THE FOLLOWING:
-Listen to you and always give feedback
-Are there for you in your highs and lows
-Won't lie to get what they want
-Be supportive in whatever you do
-Not laugh or show disinterest when there are things that I want to express that concern me.
-Won't make light of a serious situation or make a joke of it to make me feel better.
-Won't intentionally say or do things to stress me out.
-Will not brush off matters easily, but rather solve them together.
-Will not provoke me to get angry or upset when they know it will, just for kicks.
Yes, maybe I have been flaky myself when I was younger with someone that was close to me at one point, but if I could turn back the hands of time and would've remained friends with this one person, instead of hanging around with the one that has prompted me to write this blog... who knows maybe I would've grown as a person or would've been better off today. There was nothing wrong with this person, but my fellow peer saw all his faults(instead of his positive attributes), when they really weren't that bad after all, and now that I think of it, this flakiness somehow influenced me to see only the negative in him... and as a matter of fact, I at one point admired this one guy because after I burned that bridge with him, after all I had put him through, he found GOD and himself, he at least was making an attempt to talk to me again and to forgive me for what I have done to him. He was able to finish school and do other things. That already makes him a better person, better than I was back then at least. But I have learned from my mistakes and have matured enough to say, I have had my fun with fire, now its time to help those who need and DESERVE IT, to treat those as I want to be treated with respect and consideration. I would only hope that those who will fall under the FLAKER category, will not treat their current friends or future friends the way that they have treated me because they will only stay in their own misery and negative cycle that they have self produced and feed off of. I wish the best to those I have offended, its just time for me to just walk away from a problem or situation that I can avoid, and to be around people that really care. I wish well to all who I have come across or will come across, both present and future.