I wrote this originally on June 11, 2006. Damn its funny how I am going through all my old blogs to find this one in particular, and all I am getting are the ones that make me reflect and think how gifted I am... How well I know myself and others around me, but I still haven't found what I've been looking for... Like that U2 song..:
June 11, 2006
As I sit here and drink my iced coffee down I realize one thing... that sometimes I cause my own suffering. I mean damn! I had a feeling that I did but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. BUT WAIT, HOLD ON! I didn't ask for all of it. No one wants to suffer and endure heartache. I just think that sometimes in life I am fearless and I put myself in situations where I know the worst could happen or are about to happen but I don't jump out of harms way so quickly. I like to see things to the end. See what I can learn from it and ultimately use what I have learned to my advantage.
Haven't we all in life wondered... Why am I sticking around in a messy situation? Am I a masochist?...
I often wondered at times if my friendly personality invites such bad things to come into my life. I am only friendly because that's the way I have always been... chipper and witty most of the time if not all the time. Even at times when I am sad or pissed because of something that has been done to me, I always try to be nice and compose myself in a good nature only because I really don't believe on treating people back the shitty way like what they do with me, I don't live by the saying "an eye for an eye". Why should I? I already believe in karma. Which also makes me wonder at times if all the bad things that I have done in the past have come back to me. I can honestly say that I am not proud of many things that I have done, and I might be ashamed at times but at least I can admit to it that I fucked up. I was young and was learning just like anyone else in life.
Growing up, I always felt like I was the odd child... and I know for a fact that I never followed my sister's footsteps... Thank god. Not to say they are total fuck ups but I have seen what they put themselves through and I am glad that I wasn't that baby sister that wanted to be like the oldest sister. I knew I was different. I'm still different in every way. Which kinda makes my family uneasy with me because I can be so unpredictable at times. I might seem mysterious to them or any other person but trust me... its not something I do on purpose. I don't pride myself on being an enigmatic person. If anything I want the world to understand me more so that I don't feel so out of place and lonely with my thoughts, dreams and aspirations.
One thing that I have been told to by my mother was that I wasn't suppose to be born. My mother wanted to get her tubes tide after she had my sister but the midwife urged her not to because she thought my mother would change her mind later in life and would want to have more kids. So she didn't do it... and here I am. She also told me that both her and my father so desperately wanted a boy since there were already 2 girls in the household. They prayed for one actually. Well... look who's here, its A GIRL! What's funny is that as a child I didn't really feel like a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. I felt like I wasn't anything. I wasn't even Iris. I felt more adopted if anything like I didn't belong. I couldn't relate to anyone in my house, so I thought until time went by and I realize that sometimes I am like my father.
I was always closest to my father. I never really knew why, but we had a special connection. He was the strong but silent type, never really talk unless he needed to say something important. I remember the times we used to hang around each other, we hardly ever exchanged words but it was more of a telepathic connection we had. We would just often look at each other and just with our body languages we knew what message we were trying to get across with each other. He easily read my mind, and I did the same with his. We both reacted to problems the same way. For the most part, we remain quiet but when we had our outbursts it would be catastrophic. If my father was a gay man, he would've been the fiercest mother fucker out there's no question about it. He read me a couple times to a point where I was speechless. That's just the way he was. He kinda gave us girls some tough loving, literally. I also remember that he reacted the same way I did when there was a huge problem. We both sit and think for hrs or even days trying to figure out how to get out of or solve a fucked up situation.
He especially was a little tougher with me. I guess he felt that I could handle it, which I did but, was it necessary?
When I went through my juvenile delinquent years, he was often the one to stand on my side regardless if my mom and my sisters felt that I should be sent away. BITCHES! He was always forgiving and tried to sit me down and talk some sense into me whenever I fucked up. I didn't appreciate then, but now I do. He understood me even at my up most demonic days only because he knew what I was going through. He was the same way when he was my age. I know he felt a sense of guilt for my behavior because he raised me to be tough. He disliked nagging and complaining of any sort, but yet at times I thought he was the most bitchy and moodiest of people that I knew of.
I'm slowly seeing myself become him little by little. Which frightens me in one way because I don't think I could handle being like my father, but also in the same sense it excites me because the power he had was beyond him. People looked at him with authority but he never abused it. And as old fashioned as he was, it surprised me when he was very accepting of my gay friends. I always thought he was a homophobe but one day I had my tranny friend help him out on his disability application, and I remember asking him, " did you find my friend weird?"... which he said, "no, not really. Just as long as they treat me like a human being, then I will do the same with them". That's what I always believed in, thank god we related on that same level.
We both seemed very cold on the outside at times, but deep down we're very sensitive and deep individuals. He wasn't affectionate for the most part with anyone but for some reason he was very loving towards me. I guess I was able to knock down that wall he had in such a way that his sensitive side would only present itself when I was with him or around him. What he didn't know is that he had the same affect on me. I would say that honestly out of all my family members, I was the one who understood him the most, and visa versa. I feel bad when I think about it sometimes when he used to embrace me and I couldn't show that love back because I felt like a boy in a way that I couldn't hug him back. It just made me feel really awkward. He always told me that " you're the only woman that I could ever love in this world". It's funny because deep down inside, I felt that he was the only man I could ever love (even though at times he was really fucked up with me or my family), I wish I could've told him that before he left this world. He always told me, " you're destined to become something greater than what I will ever be". After he passed is when I realized what he meant by that. One day I was just the youngest and the weirdest of the household, now I'm regarded as the strongest and the one to be looked up to when things fall apart. It's a sense of duty I think that was passed down to me. I always had it in me but it just took something that tragic for me to own it and take charge. More later, right now I'm getting emotional.
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