Friday, August 27, 2010

grabbing life by the cojones, as I take this leap...

This HAS TO BE, the most long awaited blog that I have been yearning for... for months I should say to write and express... to fully expose myself and my faults. I am sorry for the departure from facebook, myspace, cellphone and all the things that kept me in contact with the outside world. I know I have missed a lot of people, and I a lot of people have missed me. I am sorry to those I have hurt. I didn't mean it, I am sorry. I lost who I was, but I know who I am and who I can be if I do good for myself. I lost my way so much to the point that i don't remember whats it like to be "well put together", in a sense. I have hurt those who cared for me when I didn't want them around me, because I have been stubborn with listening to authority or could careless what they thought about me because in my eyes, I was always right and they were wrong. those people who truly cherished me for who I was and always will be, have seen me struggle and have been there for me regardless if i wanted their help or not... I look back at it all and thank ... whatever is out there, for what I have realized and accepted about myself.

For many years I was always told that in order for change to occur, it has to come from you first. In order for me to do this I have to be able to stop myself and look at my life reflectively, in its most raw and blunt form, think about everything that has happened to me, what I have been through or should I say.. what I put myself through and how it happened... when I think back, I realized that it was a huge error of my own. I refused to listen to the people who were trying to steer and guide me through the proper path. I chose to play with fire... and still to this day like to every once in a while, because this is all I know and used to. As far as I can remember, I have had problems with controlling my anxiety and emotions, which have led me down a long road of my own misery that last about I would say... 16 years now. I am 28 now, and feel like I have wasted so much of my time and talents because of my own insecurities and lack of ambition.

We often blame the misfortunes in our lives to something, to pin it down to something that can validate why we are, the way we are.... aah haaa, I GOT IT EUREKA!!.... it makes us feel good or secure that things are not totally our doings and that something has pushed you to that limit. I am not saying that all the problems i have had are due to how i was raised, etc, because they are a lot of people in this world that have come from the worst homes and upbringings and are now successful people, i hope to become more than what I am today. Not to be put in the spotlight for getting myself from tight situations, I don't need the fame or recognition, that's not what I am here for in this world. I am here to comfort, understand, love, care, sympathize with the outside world because... yes, people need to know that life is just about helping those and inspiring to those people to make those changes in their lives on their own, when they are ready and willing to. I have had my own fair share of drama, trials and tribulations. However, I refuse to place all the blame on the past for my current or future mistakes.

These are things that most people don't know about me or my life, which at one point, i thought most people didn't care about because all they saw was this happy go lucky person, they didn't want to see me in those messed up moods or see me angry, they didn't want to see what was behind all closed doors because it would disappoint them, i know it would. People have left me in the cold sometimes because I wasn't funny or silly for that one freaking day, but i hope to one day become someone that people can relate to, let them know I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL. I am prone to problems and am not invisible, in any way. I have feelings and emotions that run deeper than anyone could possibly imagine, I just hid it very well, but not to a point where it didn't affect me physically and mentally through the years, of abusing my mind, body and soul.

When I was in HS,I was seeing shrinks (psychologists and psychiatrists), for supposed problems that I have/had with my emotions and anxiety. I remember self diagnosing myself from an early age, I was the perfect product back then, whenever i saw those anti depressant commercials on tv... I thought that Lil ball, with the rainy cloud hovering over it was me. But then again, I look back at that era and laugh because had i know life was just gonna get harder for me down the road, I would have never left HS, did the things I done, said the things I later regretted in life. So much valuable time I wasted, but that's what happens when you are young, you make stupid moves based on emotions, which still happens to everyone even past their rebellious teen years, they still make the same mistakes and will continue to do so if they don't stop and think of whats the real situation at hand, without looking at the bigger picture as a whole.

A dear friend of mine told me recently, "Iris, this is just the wake up call that you need, its time for you to make a change before it gets too late, this is your time to start fresh and start doing things for yourself". I noticed about myself and among other people, that it takes for you to hit rock bottom before you make that move. I don't want to hit that bottom, not just yet. I am trying to save myself now, and hopefully someone out there in this world that is going through the same problems as I am will feel compelled to do something.

I have been dealing with a long drug addiction. I was always the type that when I was in school or among my peers, I would always say no to drugs and never even thought i would get into things like that. I just didn't see what the big deal was. My own curiosity led me one day to finally try it because i wanted to see and feel what everyone was talking about. No one put the drug in my face, forced me, or influenced me to do it. I had several friends who used to do drugs in front of me, and it didn't phase me at all at that time, in fact i found it odd. I thought to myself, "damn I don't know how they can smoke that stuff, it smells". It only took one moment, of thought and I decided on my own, and one day I said "fuck it let me try it, no big deal". If I could turn back the hands of time, TRUST ME... I would take it all back. Never would I have thought this would ever happen to me. I gradually started to get more into it, because at that point I didn't feel addicted to it. I was a "functioning junkie", in my eyes. I went to school and work as usual. It started to get worst after my father passed, there was a void that I needed filled. My father passed away, with many questions that were never answered, life as I knew it was an enigma. One thing I will never forget, was one of the last conversations that i had with my dad on his hospital bed. I sorta became "the man" of the house from that moment on that day. I sat quietly at the corner of the bed, listening to his every word, because i didn't know when were going to be his final words... "Iris, you need to take care of your mother... your sisters have their lives of their own, and cannot be relied on, you are the only one that is left and that I have hope for to do something, help your mother and sisters when you can". It brought me great honor and prestige, that he saw the inner strength that I can hold, but I don't know if those words is what has caused me to bring myself to my current downfall. I took those words to the heart, and knew what had to be done, but was a ready for the task at hand. I didn't even finish school, and i was working a shitty job... not to mention that my addiction was coming to an all time literary high. When he finally passed I was relieved in the sense that he wasn't suffering anymore, but at the same time, I had a weight placed on my shoulders... now what to do with this?? I didn't have much time to mourn, and i didn't cry at all until a few months later i had a small mini nervous breakdown.

Before he passed I tried to do things as fast as I could to stay afloat, to try and support the family as he would've if he was still alive or in good health. I married someone for money, with that money I was planning on doing a couple of good things with it, which i did... I help my sister out when she needed the cash. But for the most part, I bullshitted with it. Started to spend like crazy, because who cares, I am getting paid just to be with someone else. I neglected the fact that i was living under my mother's roof for free, using all her resources, putting or seeing her go through stress. every time she was complaining about this bill being late, or rent not being paid, etc... I would quietly absorb it, and quietly go back into my own little world and get high, not even thinking that all the money i spent on drugs and materialistic things (which has lead me in thousands of dollars in debt), could've been put to some better use. I mean, this is after all the woman that gave me life, i should be helping her out as much as I can because I made a promise to my dad that I would, but at those moments when she would complain to me, all I heard was white noise and I would look at her and think to myself, so what do you want me to do about this?? The answer was clear, it was right before my very eyes and I could care less at that point because all I could think about is when was the next time I was gonna get high. I put parents through hell for so many years, and they still had the doors open for me, whenever my mother was threatening to throw me out and send me away somewhere, my father was always there to say, "she's just growing, its something she will get out of". Whether or not, my father was aware of my addiction at that time, I am glad to say that of all the misery he has caused our family, (he wasn't always the good dad)he never pushed me away, and always had the patience to talk to me when I needed to hear things, when I didn't want to. Perhaps because he saw a little bit of himself in me. He saw someone that was withdrawn from the world, and dealing with their own private hell, constantly thinking and analyzing things or being self destructive. He saw me for my true colors, and i saw him for his. We hardly talked verbally, but i remember in those moments where we would stare at each others eyes very briefly (before we both became uncomfortable), there were no words exchanged because we both knew that we had our own problems deep down inside, we sensed it. I never found the same rapport with anyone else, that I had with him.

Now that he is gone, its been 5 years now.. I know I have to make these moves now. Not only to complete the mission he gave me, but to look out for myself and well being. I have only this life to live, I do not want to lead a road of emptiness and despair all because I didn't do what I was told and suppose to do. This is my OWN self proclaimed EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. With this I hope to free myself, mind, body, soul and spirit of all that has brought me down and has kept me there for so many years. May I look back at these years in the future and laugh at it all. To hopefully influence people that its never too late for change and improvement. To never chose an addiction over family and friends. To be able to live with myself in harmony and honesty, to live my life finally as a whole. Its the way it should be. I have much to do and learn from, I'm only 28, but from what I have learned so far in life, I know things can only get worst if you allow it to. I hope to break these chains of bondage, and to be never tied to a situation that I couldn't get myself out of.

I am free... the path is there for me to run it... I am going to run freely... for once in my life, the beginning of my NEW LIFE.

1 comment:

  1. I hope that new life includes the friends that miss you and still want to spend time with you. I havent gone anywhere Im still here and not only wanna hang with you because you are a cool person but I always wanna be supportive so feel free to come to me whenever you want!