but here are 3 quotes to tickle your fancy in the meantime
“Hypocrisy and distortion are passing currents under the name of religion”
Mahatma Gandhi quotes
“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what world calls a romance.” Oscar Wilde
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
Don Marquis quotes
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
opening position for true friends... FLAKERS: NO NEED TO APPLY
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Lately, I have been feeling inspired by strong powerful women that once lived or who are still living to this day. I been looking closely at what they have said or done in life to leave their stamp in time. For some weird reason, Marilyn Monroe's quote rings so true in my heart. She wasn't a scholar nor a noble peace prize winner, but she was a human being, just like me and everyone else with problems with addiction... vulnerable in every sense but yet strong enough to see her faults. She was so reflective on life and love, that its so hard not to take notice. This was a woman with brains and intellect. She knew herself pretty well. Unfortunately people were so focused on the exterior beauty and her public persona, that they forgot in the end that she was living in her own private self destructive hell. Maybe if she was surrounded by a supportive unit back then, she wouldn't have met her death at the height of her prime.
I look to her as an inspiration, I use her very quote to start this off because lately or should I say for many years, I have felt/feel that there are certain people that I am surrounded by that haven't been supportive at all or not enough for me to even consider them as TRUE FRIENDS. Maybe the whole sobriety thing is finally lifting up this huge cloud that has blocked the way I see things, but I am glad it has been cleared and I can see people for their true colors. Not being able to smoke or not wanting to smoke, (after all I am quitting out of choice, not because I can't) has made me look back at life and realize that I have swallowed and endured a lot of unnecessary crap that I shouldn't have allowed myself to go through. I can see people for who they truly really are and what their true intentions are. One particular friend I have known for so many years, and it makes me angry just to think how much time I have wasted on them. Sure we had our fun but whenever it came down to serious things or any of my problems, I was given the cold shoulder or they wouldn't give me any feedback at all... they would just sit there in silence let me rant on the phone, nothing positive to say or even show that they were at least concerned about me and my well being. I would take notice that every time I would talk to this person on the phone, that they would give me this silent treatment on purpose because they thought that it would probably be the only way to get me off the phone, (since I don't really feel comfortable with awkward silences) or maybe they were just so self centered that they just didn't care enough to even add or consul me for whatever I was going through... NOTHING, NOT ONE WORD WOULD COME OUT OF THEIR MOUTH. The only time I would hear from the other end of the line (making me feel like I was talking to myself or they were dead on the other end) is when they would bring up other BS that was completely irrelevant to what I was talking about or that I could careless about. Things that weren't going to help me out or give me some relief or comfort... but the moment where I got tired of the awkward silences and I will tell them that I had to get off the phone... that is when they would finally open up their mouth, and just by hearing the tone of their voice saying, "oh ok see you", in such a way, as to say, thank god this conversation has ended I don't have to hear anymore, makes me think... what is the purpose of our friendship??... did we even have one to begin with??... and why have I waited so long to finally do something about it??
What sucks even more is that this is nothing new to me. I have noticed for several years now, way before the whole addiction thing even started, that they treated me like this and even worst... they lied to me to get what they wanted in the past... only because they thought I was being a "cock block". Sure I forgave them, but I never forgot, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME. But since this whole entire clarification has overcome me since I stopped smoking, I am starting to analyze everything, not just with them, but with everyone that is part of my inner circle. I am starting to look at everyone and see them for who they truly are in these dark moments of my life, not just for now, but also in the past. I ask myself... did they really reach out to me and why am I still wasting time and energy on them when I can easily find someone who can be a true friend and reciprocate. Because obviously that's the foundation of what friendships, or any relationship are made of. Its not a one-way street but for some people they are. Unfortunately whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, I will lead them to make that realization on their own.
The breaking point for me was this week. I haven't talked to this person for almost a while now (about a few months so its not like I was bombarding them with crap all the time) and I decided that it was time to catch up and to let them know what was currently happening in my life, with sobriety etc or to even just talk... and just as usual, they gave me the silent treatment until they wanted to bring up things that were completely irrelevant to what I had brought to the table... talking about the next upcoming events at the club or started to talk about materialistic things...besides the fact that they made it clear to me that they wanted to go out for dinner but at someone else's expense because they didn't want to pay for it on their own (mind you, using someone who is already mentally and physically ill for life). As all of this was going on, I was thinking to myself... wow this has got to stop. The madness ends right here! Why am I even friends with you?? I have been through hell and back and all you can think about is yourself and what you can get out of from other people. This is clearly a person I cannot or anyone can trust. The conversation got quiet again, which led me to think even more that in order for me to do better in life and to grow as a person (both emotionally and spiritually), I have to surround myself with people that are really trying to do BETTER FOR THEMSELVES OR SOMETHING GOOD, instead of riding someone else's coat tails or using them for what they can give you. I have to surround myself around people who I can trust and rely on, who will support me even at my best and worst. That won't just be there for a cute "ki ki". So to put my mind at ease, besides the fact that I got tired of the dead air AGAIN, I said I had to go... and with no surprise they said, "oh ok bye" in the most delightful tone...AGAIN. But you know, I kick myself in the ass for this, not just with them, but with everyone because I always given the other person the benefit of the doubt. Before I even decided to call them, I was talking to them briefly on the internet, and since I figured that typing and talking through here was pointless since we can just chat for a while on the phone briefly, I asked them if we should talk on the phone they said, "oh ok I guess".... WTF!! Not even a "sure", or "go right ahead" or "OK call me then"... no it was an unsure and uninvited way of saying yes, and AGAIN I GAVE THIS PERSON THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. I was trying to convince myself even before picking up the phone... maybe it just comes off the wrong way especially through cyberspace because you cannot tell if the person is going through an emotion of excitement or reluctance, but I went along with it and called them. Within the first couple of minutes I was already feeling weird, and I was telling myself maybe they are just quiet because their conversations can be heard, etc... but like I said, since the cloud as been lifted from my judgment I have come to realize that this person hasn't changed or grown up at all. This is the same treatment that I have dealt with for many years from them and I have procrastinated so much on letting them go, and I've allowed myself to let them make me feel this way, unimportant. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I don't not have the time nor patience to deal with such selfishness and immaturity. I will not further allow myself to be surrounded by people who are "toxic" to my well being.
THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE, DO NOT BE MISTAKEN, I AM NOT SINGLING ANYONE OUT, EVERY FLAKY PERSON I KNOW IS IN DANGER... THERE IS GOING TO BE A FILTER NOW SET FOR THOSE I WILL COME ACROSS OR WHO HAVE KNOWN ME. I am 28 now, I am tired of the BS with superficial friends who can only be there when you can provide them a good time, which I have done for so many years, and some chose to only socialize with me when I am in my "good crazy silly moods". If I cannot come to you about serious matters or if I need that loving support that I feel I am suppose to get in return,(only because its what I would expect if I have treated you so well) that bridge will be burned, trust me when I say this. Only you will suffer from the consequences because you will never find a friend like me. I can be a very deep emotional person, very loyal to a true friend, but once I see that my kindness is being taken advantage of, and you can only meet me halfway on certain things, then I will forced to look at you in a different way. I am fully awake and can see past the falseness that people can present. So to just let people know what I am filtering out for, or what I will want or need from a REAL FRIEND, I have made a list of things that will make my life better, not just for myself but for those who apply as flaky in my eyes so that they can know they don't have to be 2 faced with me anymore and to stop with the horrible acting job.
TRUE FRIENDS DO THE FOLLOWING:
-Listen to you and always give feedback
-Are there for you in your highs and lows
-Won't lie to get what they want
-Be supportive in whatever you do
-Not laugh or show disinterest when there are things that I want to express that concern me.
-Won't make light of a serious situation or make a joke of it to make me feel better.
-Won't intentionally say or do things to stress me out.
-Will not brush off matters easily, but rather solve them together.
-Will not provoke me to get angry or upset when they know it will, just for kicks.
Yes, maybe I have been flaky myself when I was younger with someone that was close to me at one point, but if I could turn back the hands of time and would've remained friends with this one person, instead of hanging around with the one that has prompted me to write this blog... who knows maybe I would've grown as a person or would've been better off today. There was nothing wrong with this person, but my fellow peer saw all his faults(instead of his positive attributes), when they really weren't that bad after all, and now that I think of it, this flakiness somehow influenced me to see only the negative in him... and as a matter of fact, I at one point admired this one guy because after I burned that bridge with him, after all I had put him through, he found GOD and himself, he at least was making an attempt to talk to me again and to forgive me for what I have done to him. He was able to finish school and do other things. That already makes him a better person, better than I was back then at least. But I have learned from my mistakes and have matured enough to say, I have had my fun with fire, now its time to help those who need and DESERVE IT, to treat those as I want to be treated with respect and consideration. I would only hope that those who will fall under the FLAKER category, will not treat their current friends or future friends the way that they have treated me because they will only stay in their own misery and negative cycle that they have self produced and feed off of. I wish the best to those I have offended, its just time for me to just walk away from a problem or situation that I can avoid, and to be around people that really care. I wish well to all who I have come across or will come across, both present and future.
Friday, August 27, 2010
grabbing life by the cojones, as I take this leap...
This HAS TO BE, the most long awaited blog that I have been yearning for... for months I should say to write and express... to fully expose myself and my faults. I am sorry for the departure from facebook, myspace, cellphone and all the things that kept me in contact with the outside world. I know I have missed a lot of people, and I a lot of people have missed me. I am sorry to those I have hurt. I didn't mean it, I am sorry. I lost who I was, but I know who I am and who I can be if I do good for myself. I lost my way so much to the point that i don't remember whats it like to be "well put together", in a sense. I have hurt those who cared for me when I didn't want them around me, because I have been stubborn with listening to authority or could careless what they thought about me because in my eyes, I was always right and they were wrong. those people who truly cherished me for who I was and always will be, have seen me struggle and have been there for me regardless if i wanted their help or not... I look back at it all and thank ... whatever is out there, for what I have realized and accepted about myself.
For many years I was always told that in order for change to occur, it has to come from you first. In order for me to do this I have to be able to stop myself and look at my life reflectively, in its most raw and blunt form, think about everything that has happened to me, what I have been through or should I say.. what I put myself through and how it happened... when I think back, I realized that it was a huge error of my own. I refused to listen to the people who were trying to steer and guide me through the proper path. I chose to play with fire... and still to this day like to every once in a while, because this is all I know and used to. As far as I can remember, I have had problems with controlling my anxiety and emotions, which have led me down a long road of my own misery that last about I would say... 16 years now. I am 28 now, and feel like I have wasted so much of my time and talents because of my own insecurities and lack of ambition.
We often blame the misfortunes in our lives to something, to pin it down to something that can validate why we are, the way we are.... aah haaa, I GOT IT EUREKA!!.... it makes us feel good or secure that things are not totally our doings and that something has pushed you to that limit. I am not saying that all the problems i have had are due to how i was raised, etc, because they are a lot of people in this world that have come from the worst homes and upbringings and are now successful people, i hope to become more than what I am today. Not to be put in the spotlight for getting myself from tight situations, I don't need the fame or recognition, that's not what I am here for in this world. I am here to comfort, understand, love, care, sympathize with the outside world because... yes, people need to know that life is just about helping those and inspiring to those people to make those changes in their lives on their own, when they are ready and willing to. I have had my own fair share of drama, trials and tribulations. However, I refuse to place all the blame on the past for my current or future mistakes.
These are things that most people don't know about me or my life, which at one point, i thought most people didn't care about because all they saw was this happy go lucky person, they didn't want to see me in those messed up moods or see me angry, they didn't want to see what was behind all closed doors because it would disappoint them, i know it would. People have left me in the cold sometimes because I wasn't funny or silly for that one freaking day, but i hope to one day become someone that people can relate to, let them know I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL. I am prone to problems and am not invisible, in any way. I have feelings and emotions that run deeper than anyone could possibly imagine, I just hid it very well, but not to a point where it didn't affect me physically and mentally through the years, of abusing my mind, body and soul.
When I was in HS,I was seeing shrinks (psychologists and psychiatrists), for supposed problems that I have/had with my emotions and anxiety. I remember self diagnosing myself from an early age, I was the perfect product back then, whenever i saw those anti depressant commercials on tv... I thought that Lil ball, with the rainy cloud hovering over it was me. But then again, I look back at that era and laugh because had i know life was just gonna get harder for me down the road, I would have never left HS, did the things I done, said the things I later regretted in life. So much valuable time I wasted, but that's what happens when you are young, you make stupid moves based on emotions, which still happens to everyone even past their rebellious teen years, they still make the same mistakes and will continue to do so if they don't stop and think of whats the real situation at hand, without looking at the bigger picture as a whole.
A dear friend of mine told me recently, "Iris, this is just the wake up call that you need, its time for you to make a change before it gets too late, this is your time to start fresh and start doing things for yourself". I noticed about myself and among other people, that it takes for you to hit rock bottom before you make that move. I don't want to hit that bottom, not just yet. I am trying to save myself now, and hopefully someone out there in this world that is going through the same problems as I am will feel compelled to do something.
I have been dealing with a long drug addiction. I was always the type that when I was in school or among my peers, I would always say no to drugs and never even thought i would get into things like that. I just didn't see what the big deal was. My own curiosity led me one day to finally try it because i wanted to see and feel what everyone was talking about. No one put the drug in my face, forced me, or influenced me to do it. I had several friends who used to do drugs in front of me, and it didn't phase me at all at that time, in fact i found it odd. I thought to myself, "damn I don't know how they can smoke that stuff, it smells". It only took one moment, of thought and I decided on my own, and one day I said "fuck it let me try it, no big deal". If I could turn back the hands of time, TRUST ME... I would take it all back. Never would I have thought this would ever happen to me. I gradually started to get more into it, because at that point I didn't feel addicted to it. I was a "functioning junkie", in my eyes. I went to school and work as usual. It started to get worst after my father passed, there was a void that I needed filled. My father passed away, with many questions that were never answered, life as I knew it was an enigma. One thing I will never forget, was one of the last conversations that i had with my dad on his hospital bed. I sorta became "the man" of the house from that moment on that day. I sat quietly at the corner of the bed, listening to his every word, because i didn't know when were going to be his final words... "Iris, you need to take care of your mother... your sisters have their lives of their own, and cannot be relied on, you are the only one that is left and that I have hope for to do something, help your mother and sisters when you can". It brought me great honor and prestige, that he saw the inner strength that I can hold, but I don't know if those words is what has caused me to bring myself to my current downfall. I took those words to the heart, and knew what had to be done, but was a ready for the task at hand. I didn't even finish school, and i was working a shitty job... not to mention that my addiction was coming to an all time literary high. When he finally passed I was relieved in the sense that he wasn't suffering anymore, but at the same time, I had a weight placed on my shoulders... now what to do with this?? I didn't have much time to mourn, and i didn't cry at all until a few months later i had a small mini nervous breakdown.
Before he passed I tried to do things as fast as I could to stay afloat, to try and support the family as he would've if he was still alive or in good health. I married someone for money, with that money I was planning on doing a couple of good things with it, which i did... I help my sister out when she needed the cash. But for the most part, I bullshitted with it. Started to spend like crazy, because who cares, I am getting paid just to be with someone else. I neglected the fact that i was living under my mother's roof for free, using all her resources, putting or seeing her go through stress. every time she was complaining about this bill being late, or rent not being paid, etc... I would quietly absorb it, and quietly go back into my own little world and get high, not even thinking that all the money i spent on drugs and materialistic things (which has lead me in thousands of dollars in debt), could've been put to some better use. I mean, this is after all the woman that gave me life, i should be helping her out as much as I can because I made a promise to my dad that I would, but at those moments when she would complain to me, all I heard was white noise and I would look at her and think to myself, so what do you want me to do about this?? The answer was clear, it was right before my very eyes and I could care less at that point because all I could think about is when was the next time I was gonna get high. I put parents through hell for so many years, and they still had the doors open for me, whenever my mother was threatening to throw me out and send me away somewhere, my father was always there to say, "she's just growing, its something she will get out of". Whether or not, my father was aware of my addiction at that time, I am glad to say that of all the misery he has caused our family, (he wasn't always the good dad)he never pushed me away, and always had the patience to talk to me when I needed to hear things, when I didn't want to. Perhaps because he saw a little bit of himself in me. He saw someone that was withdrawn from the world, and dealing with their own private hell, constantly thinking and analyzing things or being self destructive. He saw me for my true colors, and i saw him for his. We hardly talked verbally, but i remember in those moments where we would stare at each others eyes very briefly (before we both became uncomfortable), there were no words exchanged because we both knew that we had our own problems deep down inside, we sensed it. I never found the same rapport with anyone else, that I had with him.
Now that he is gone, its been 5 years now.. I know I have to make these moves now. Not only to complete the mission he gave me, but to look out for myself and well being. I have only this life to live, I do not want to lead a road of emptiness and despair all because I didn't do what I was told and suppose to do. This is my OWN self proclaimed EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. With this I hope to free myself, mind, body, soul and spirit of all that has brought me down and has kept me there for so many years. May I look back at these years in the future and laugh at it all. To hopefully influence people that its never too late for change and improvement. To never chose an addiction over family and friends. To be able to live with myself in harmony and honesty, to live my life finally as a whole. Its the way it should be. I have much to do and learn from, I'm only 28, but from what I have learned so far in life, I know things can only get worst if you allow it to. I hope to break these chains of bondage, and to be never tied to a situation that I couldn't get myself out of.
I am free... the path is there for me to run it... I am going to run freely... for once in my life, the beginning of my NEW LIFE.
For many years I was always told that in order for change to occur, it has to come from you first. In order for me to do this I have to be able to stop myself and look at my life reflectively, in its most raw and blunt form, think about everything that has happened to me, what I have been through or should I say.. what I put myself through and how it happened... when I think back, I realized that it was a huge error of my own. I refused to listen to the people who were trying to steer and guide me through the proper path. I chose to play with fire... and still to this day like to every once in a while, because this is all I know and used to. As far as I can remember, I have had problems with controlling my anxiety and emotions, which have led me down a long road of my own misery that last about I would say... 16 years now. I am 28 now, and feel like I have wasted so much of my time and talents because of my own insecurities and lack of ambition.
We often blame the misfortunes in our lives to something, to pin it down to something that can validate why we are, the way we are.... aah haaa, I GOT IT EUREKA!!.... it makes us feel good or secure that things are not totally our doings and that something has pushed you to that limit. I am not saying that all the problems i have had are due to how i was raised, etc, because they are a lot of people in this world that have come from the worst homes and upbringings and are now successful people, i hope to become more than what I am today. Not to be put in the spotlight for getting myself from tight situations, I don't need the fame or recognition, that's not what I am here for in this world. I am here to comfort, understand, love, care, sympathize with the outside world because... yes, people need to know that life is just about helping those and inspiring to those people to make those changes in their lives on their own, when they are ready and willing to. I have had my own fair share of drama, trials and tribulations. However, I refuse to place all the blame on the past for my current or future mistakes.
These are things that most people don't know about me or my life, which at one point, i thought most people didn't care about because all they saw was this happy go lucky person, they didn't want to see me in those messed up moods or see me angry, they didn't want to see what was behind all closed doors because it would disappoint them, i know it would. People have left me in the cold sometimes because I wasn't funny or silly for that one freaking day, but i hope to one day become someone that people can relate to, let them know I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL. I am prone to problems and am not invisible, in any way. I have feelings and emotions that run deeper than anyone could possibly imagine, I just hid it very well, but not to a point where it didn't affect me physically and mentally through the years, of abusing my mind, body and soul.
When I was in HS,I was seeing shrinks (psychologists and psychiatrists), for supposed problems that I have/had with my emotions and anxiety. I remember self diagnosing myself from an early age, I was the perfect product back then, whenever i saw those anti depressant commercials on tv... I thought that Lil ball, with the rainy cloud hovering over it was me. But then again, I look back at that era and laugh because had i know life was just gonna get harder for me down the road, I would have never left HS, did the things I done, said the things I later regretted in life. So much valuable time I wasted, but that's what happens when you are young, you make stupid moves based on emotions, which still happens to everyone even past their rebellious teen years, they still make the same mistakes and will continue to do so if they don't stop and think of whats the real situation at hand, without looking at the bigger picture as a whole.
A dear friend of mine told me recently, "Iris, this is just the wake up call that you need, its time for you to make a change before it gets too late, this is your time to start fresh and start doing things for yourself". I noticed about myself and among other people, that it takes for you to hit rock bottom before you make that move. I don't want to hit that bottom, not just yet. I am trying to save myself now, and hopefully someone out there in this world that is going through the same problems as I am will feel compelled to do something.
I have been dealing with a long drug addiction. I was always the type that when I was in school or among my peers, I would always say no to drugs and never even thought i would get into things like that. I just didn't see what the big deal was. My own curiosity led me one day to finally try it because i wanted to see and feel what everyone was talking about. No one put the drug in my face, forced me, or influenced me to do it. I had several friends who used to do drugs in front of me, and it didn't phase me at all at that time, in fact i found it odd. I thought to myself, "damn I don't know how they can smoke that stuff, it smells". It only took one moment, of thought and I decided on my own, and one day I said "fuck it let me try it, no big deal". If I could turn back the hands of time, TRUST ME... I would take it all back. Never would I have thought this would ever happen to me. I gradually started to get more into it, because at that point I didn't feel addicted to it. I was a "functioning junkie", in my eyes. I went to school and work as usual. It started to get worst after my father passed, there was a void that I needed filled. My father passed away, with many questions that were never answered, life as I knew it was an enigma. One thing I will never forget, was one of the last conversations that i had with my dad on his hospital bed. I sorta became "the man" of the house from that moment on that day. I sat quietly at the corner of the bed, listening to his every word, because i didn't know when were going to be his final words... "Iris, you need to take care of your mother... your sisters have their lives of their own, and cannot be relied on, you are the only one that is left and that I have hope for to do something, help your mother and sisters when you can". It brought me great honor and prestige, that he saw the inner strength that I can hold, but I don't know if those words is what has caused me to bring myself to my current downfall. I took those words to the heart, and knew what had to be done, but was a ready for the task at hand. I didn't even finish school, and i was working a shitty job... not to mention that my addiction was coming to an all time literary high. When he finally passed I was relieved in the sense that he wasn't suffering anymore, but at the same time, I had a weight placed on my shoulders... now what to do with this?? I didn't have much time to mourn, and i didn't cry at all until a few months later i had a small mini nervous breakdown.
Before he passed I tried to do things as fast as I could to stay afloat, to try and support the family as he would've if he was still alive or in good health. I married someone for money, with that money I was planning on doing a couple of good things with it, which i did... I help my sister out when she needed the cash. But for the most part, I bullshitted with it. Started to spend like crazy, because who cares, I am getting paid just to be with someone else. I neglected the fact that i was living under my mother's roof for free, using all her resources, putting or seeing her go through stress. every time she was complaining about this bill being late, or rent not being paid, etc... I would quietly absorb it, and quietly go back into my own little world and get high, not even thinking that all the money i spent on drugs and materialistic things (which has lead me in thousands of dollars in debt), could've been put to some better use. I mean, this is after all the woman that gave me life, i should be helping her out as much as I can because I made a promise to my dad that I would, but at those moments when she would complain to me, all I heard was white noise and I would look at her and think to myself, so what do you want me to do about this?? The answer was clear, it was right before my very eyes and I could care less at that point because all I could think about is when was the next time I was gonna get high. I put parents through hell for so many years, and they still had the doors open for me, whenever my mother was threatening to throw me out and send me away somewhere, my father was always there to say, "she's just growing, its something she will get out of". Whether or not, my father was aware of my addiction at that time, I am glad to say that of all the misery he has caused our family, (he wasn't always the good dad)he never pushed me away, and always had the patience to talk to me when I needed to hear things, when I didn't want to. Perhaps because he saw a little bit of himself in me. He saw someone that was withdrawn from the world, and dealing with their own private hell, constantly thinking and analyzing things or being self destructive. He saw me for my true colors, and i saw him for his. We hardly talked verbally, but i remember in those moments where we would stare at each others eyes very briefly (before we both became uncomfortable), there were no words exchanged because we both knew that we had our own problems deep down inside, we sensed it. I never found the same rapport with anyone else, that I had with him.
Now that he is gone, its been 5 years now.. I know I have to make these moves now. Not only to complete the mission he gave me, but to look out for myself and well being. I have only this life to live, I do not want to lead a road of emptiness and despair all because I didn't do what I was told and suppose to do. This is my OWN self proclaimed EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. With this I hope to free myself, mind, body, soul and spirit of all that has brought me down and has kept me there for so many years. May I look back at these years in the future and laugh at it all. To hopefully influence people that its never too late for change and improvement. To never chose an addiction over family and friends. To be able to live with myself in harmony and honesty, to live my life finally as a whole. Its the way it should be. I have much to do and learn from, I'm only 28, but from what I have learned so far in life, I know things can only get worst if you allow it to. I hope to break these chains of bondage, and to be never tied to a situation that I couldn't get myself out of.
I am free... the path is there for me to run it... I am going to run freely... for once in my life, the beginning of my NEW LIFE.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Jooooy to the world... theee old biiiitch fell.
ok before anyone starts to judge me on this... you have to admit, whenever old people fall or get hurt on tv, its funny as shit!! I would never laugh if an old lady fell in front of me, but for some reason on tv it becomes a comedy skit.
perfect example would be the life Alert commercials. The original, "help I've fallen and cant get up" was freaking priceless. We still repeat it in our heads and still a smile comes to our faces, well really mine lol. everyone was saying, like "where's the beef". it was contagious. Can anyone really watch that commercial and not laugh or chuckle a bit. here's one of the classic commercials, THE FALL WAS EPIC!!
I don't know why this subject has come into light... its not like i recently saw someone fall or anything like that... just randomness i guess... but it also came into mind because I noticed that they made new commercials. i think they realized no one takes these fallen seniors seriously especially with the old commercials they came out with. So now they have these newer commercials that are wack, there's no over the top dramatization, no senior shown falling or anything like that. no broken hips or dentures flying out of mouths. no flabby tits flying around in mid air as they slip. they just simply show them already on the ground... and let me just say that the newer actress they put in the commercial is really bad, wasn't convincing at all. When I saw the new commercial I wasn't laughing at all... I mean i wasn't suppose to be laughing in the first place anyways but still i can't help it. Here's the new commercial.... see its not funny at all. Just boring and bland.
Well that's the end of it... and for your viewing enjoyment here's another one for you:
perfect example would be the life Alert commercials. The original, "help I've fallen and cant get up" was freaking priceless. We still repeat it in our heads and still a smile comes to our faces, well really mine lol. everyone was saying, like "where's the beef". it was contagious. Can anyone really watch that commercial and not laugh or chuckle a bit. here's one of the classic commercials, THE FALL WAS EPIC!!
I don't know why this subject has come into light... its not like i recently saw someone fall or anything like that... just randomness i guess... but it also came into mind because I noticed that they made new commercials. i think they realized no one takes these fallen seniors seriously especially with the old commercials they came out with. So now they have these newer commercials that are wack, there's no over the top dramatization, no senior shown falling or anything like that. no broken hips or dentures flying out of mouths. no flabby tits flying around in mid air as they slip. they just simply show them already on the ground... and let me just say that the newer actress they put in the commercial is really bad, wasn't convincing at all. When I saw the new commercial I wasn't laughing at all... I mean i wasn't suppose to be laughing in the first place anyways but still i can't help it. Here's the new commercial.... see its not funny at all. Just boring and bland.
Well that's the end of it... and for your viewing enjoyment here's another one for you:
Sunday, November 15, 2009
time for a real change
I had been asking the heavens or whatever is out there, to please give me a spark that I been needing for quite sometime now. I have been feeling lately lost within myself, I don't know what inspires me anymore or find something that can drive my life in a different direction, rather than just sit and wait for shit to happen.
Well glad to say for now (not to sure for what the future holds) that i regained a spark in my life, it was a blessing in disguise, only because I had to do a lot of painful reflecting on my life and how I manage it, I tried looking at my life in a different angle.
One person in particular came into my life and kinda flipped me upside down... in the sense that they kinda through the truth in my face, and kinda opened up my eyes onto something that i had been procrastinating and was in denial about. I'm not going to lie to you, I was hurt when the things i had been kinda putting in the back burner for a while were being exposed to my face from someone who hardly knew me, but read me so well that it took me back. I said to myself,
"damn this motherfucker knows me well, not sure if I'm ready for this". At the same time, this was the blessing in disguise, this person may well have made me regain the spark i needed to get myself together again, helping me realise my faults that i can change or improve. Just like they told me, "you're 27, going to 28, how much longer do you think you have to enjoy your youth... 30 is around the corner and by then who knows if you can do the same things..."
I just wish that I can go back to being a bit younger again just so that it can be easier on me to change. But like other times, i gain strength from pressure. I kinda have a set goal... that's to at least lose 30lbs by Feb. I can go back to my old workout routines which i haven't done since HS, but its never too late to change, especially cuz I'm not that over the hill.
I wonder how I am going to do all of this.... if i continue to think about it, and NOT DO IT... its never gonna happen. so I figure i should just go for the jump while I am stilling feeling this sparky inspiration.
Well glad to say for now (not to sure for what the future holds) that i regained a spark in my life, it was a blessing in disguise, only because I had to do a lot of painful reflecting on my life and how I manage it, I tried looking at my life in a different angle.
One person in particular came into my life and kinda flipped me upside down... in the sense that they kinda through the truth in my face, and kinda opened up my eyes onto something that i had been procrastinating and was in denial about. I'm not going to lie to you, I was hurt when the things i had been kinda putting in the back burner for a while were being exposed to my face from someone who hardly knew me, but read me so well that it took me back. I said to myself,
"damn this motherfucker knows me well, not sure if I'm ready for this". At the same time, this was the blessing in disguise, this person may well have made me regain the spark i needed to get myself together again, helping me realise my faults that i can change or improve. Just like they told me, "you're 27, going to 28, how much longer do you think you have to enjoy your youth... 30 is around the corner and by then who knows if you can do the same things..."
I just wish that I can go back to being a bit younger again just so that it can be easier on me to change. But like other times, i gain strength from pressure. I kinda have a set goal... that's to at least lose 30lbs by Feb. I can go back to my old workout routines which i haven't done since HS, but its never too late to change, especially cuz I'm not that over the hill.
I wonder how I am going to do all of this.... if i continue to think about it, and NOT DO IT... its never gonna happen. so I figure i should just go for the jump while I am stilling feeling this sparky inspiration.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)